AZLYN AHMAD

Tengahari di tengah Januari.

2012-01-15T23:05:00.001-08:00

Tiba tiba rasa motivated yang to the max! Hey ho OBSTACLES! Beware! Gonna eat you alive!!

Go go supermommies-that -have-only-3-hours-of-sleep-last-night-and-had-2-cups-of-kacip fatimah coffee-in-the-morning-in-one-shot-and-got-perky-till-noon! Lol :D

untuk hati ini.

2012-01-13T05:10:00.000-08:00

Ya Allah,jauhkan lah sifat dengki dan iri dari hati ku. Padam kan lah rasa marah andai aku tiada apa yg mereka ada. Jauhkanlah dariku rasa mahu bertanding atas nama riak dan takbur.

Aku amat daif Ya Allah. Terlalu tebal dosa dan khilafku. Terlalu jauh aku dari sempurnaMu.

Namun aku masih mahu mencuba menjadi hambaMu yg sederhana dan bersyukur.

Amin.

once.

2012-01-12T05:07:00.000-08:00

Masa mula tak tau mengandung kan Ahmad Arman,mengidam anak puyu. Goreng garing,garing selamba makan sambil tgk tv. Nasib suami ku kampung boy gagah berani, seminggu 2 3 kali pegi menjala,sikit lagi nak pupus puyu di kampung hehe. Perut dah besor sikit asyik mengidam choc lava Secret Recipe. Jenuh selang sehari,sampai Dr June tepuk dahi tengok badan saya. Sampai dia ambil weight scale esp for me everytime my check up. Hehe. Sweet memories. In 2 months,he's gonna be 1! Wow. Sometimes when i lie down,i can still feel his kicks as if he's still inside. To have this special man in my life,made me think of all the things i have to let go,my routines,my attitude, my life,and yet- no regrets.

work.

2011-12-28T20:28:00.001-08:00

close to the end of 2011, i am happy to say that a large portion of my 2011 resolutions have been achieved. i started the year with a big belly containing my dear boy, who is now healthy and happy (he's gonna be tall, i just know it!) and my plan to pursue a PhD is becoming more achievable day by day. i am still working smart (hehe!), and at times too ignorant to care about details. but at least, something is moving in my career checklist.

work wise, 2012 is another good year, i hope. research projects MUST be completed by first quarter of the year, complete with published articles and patented models. and by Jun, i must start my PhD in which by December, i MUST finish my research proposal!and on top of that, somewhere in between, i MUST submit my application for promotion! So......move your ass Azlyn!

Ok. too much optimism.

Hmmm.

MUST work hard, MUST work hard!

surprises from hubby.

2011-12-27T20:08:00.000-08:00

if there is one thing i am sure about my husband, is the fact that he loves to make surprises for me. and i just love that! i remember one time during our honeymoon when he picked me up at the airport with roses underneath his shirt,and he took it out and gave it to me with kisses on my cheek, in public. at countless times he has surprised me with his effort to either cook yummy dishes, squeaky clean our house, or simply doing little things for me in which in the end he would say "dah, abang dah buat dah utk sayang" and i'll be like "really? thank you abang!".

so last monday, he picked me up from work for lunch and surprise me with a bouquet of beautiful roses. mind you, this is the second bouquet i have ever received from him. ahah. that's right.12 years. two bouquets. with 3 big bars of chocolates! typical girly girl of me, gedik sikit bila dapat bunga.

hmm i don't need to tell you how the rest of the evening went, do i? *wink wink*

fear of the unknown.

2011-12-26T20:19:00.000-08:00

now, it is really coming to an end. 2011. i will be lying if i say that 2012 doesn't freak me out. the 2012 prophecies of doomsday is not easy to ignore. will it happen, will it not? if it doesn't happen, then when will it happen? to think and re-think, we can say a lot of different things to make ourselves at ease, but it all goes back to Him. so, my humble-self hope that whatever it will be,whenever it may be, Islam will be my religion till my last breath and that Allah will be the only God i worship. And if doomsday is bound to happen, may the pain and catastrophe be made easy for my child and my parents to endure.

life

2011-12-07T06:09:00.000-08:00

Sshhhhhh.. I need some silence.
After all, i don't kiss and tell as i don't shit and tell.

2011-12-07T02:54:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling down,and sad. So sad actually. Looking back at how my life is characterized these few weeks, i am feeling very emotionally illed. It seems to me that my surroundings are not as 'warm' as it used to be. I want to be angry,more angry, I want to scream and shout at someone. or something. But I can't. I want to cry,but there is not enough tears to cushion my disappointment.

2011-12-06T04:15:00.001-08:00

Love is everything. Eventually,we need to look back and revise the fundamentals,are we together because we really in love? Or are we obliged to meet social demands,and be together just because it was the right thing to do,at that moment of time? If you really understand how strong love is,you wouldn't dare to say you love someone or something simply because everbody else is saying it. Love is committment,it is acceptance,when i say i love my son,i mean it,i am willing to sacrifice myself for him,and when i say i love my job,i am giving my dedication to it. So,think! Are you really in love?

HOW I HANDLE BUSY BODIES AT THE WORKPLACE

2011-12-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

Cara saya menangani orang yang suka mengumpat belakang saya adalah dengan mereka cerita palsu. Contohnya:

Lyn nak pi mana ni? Siap dgn beg besar ni haaaaaa... (muncung muncung mulut kak bedah yg busy body bertanya)

Lyn nak pindah kak, Singapore (jawab saya )

60 minit kemudian, di parking lot.

Lyn!! Ko nak pindah Singapore ke Lyn?? Ikut laki ko ek?? (kata kak jah kawan kak bedah penuh nada menyibukkkk)

Takda la kak, saya kan dah kena buang kerja, akak tak tahu ke? (jawab saya, muka disedihkan)

60 minit kemudian, di mesin finger punch.

Lyn!! Kesiannya ko kena buang kerja ke Lyn??!!! (tegur kak milah kawan bedah dgn cik jah)

Tak la kak, saya kan dapat naik pangkat, akak tak tau ke? (jawab saya dgn muka riang ria)

60 minit seterusnya dan seterusnya, hahaha korang pikir lah kesibukan mulut-mulut puakasss tersebut bercerita aktiviti harian/kisah hidup aku.

:-) kisah benar.

just before i sleep.

2011-12-02T08:25:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing i'd always like to do before i sleep,its hearing my husband's voice. He has this sweet romantic voice that always put me at ease. He would do all it takes to make me happy. I know that sometimes he's bored to death with my diva-like nature,but he didn't complain. All he'd say is "sabar sayang,jgn risau nanti abg siapkan semua utk sayang". This is cliche but he is my Knight in Shining Armour.

I love you Mr. E.

Always.

di hati bonda.

2011-12-02T02:58:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum.

Its a holiday today and i can feel some serious silence in my home. My son is currently staying with his granma due to some babysitter issues and my tight schedule. I miss him so much. The idea of me being here, and him being somewhere else is desperately painful for me. But what choice do i have? Gosh the baby that i carry for 9 months, who has my blood in his veins,i miss him. Maybe i'm overdoing this whole emotion thingy. Maybe its not that bad. Afterall,he is in good hands. And i am working for him. Its not gonna be long before we'll be together again. I'm doing this for him, i'm planning my future and working hard towards a better career-for him.

I miss you little man,its insane.

But i promise you it will get better. I love you.

30.11.2011

2011-11-30T00:00:00.000-08:00

I am never sorry for the things i said, or did.

I take credit and blame for each star i earned and each shit i made.

I am what i am, and as you can see, i'm not leaving any time soon.

'We can only get better' - my momma said, 'cause thats what you are built for'.

The closest we can get to the end is death, when its due. If i'm not dead, it means i'm on for another fight.

Happy birthday Azlyn Ahmad Zawawi.

2011-11-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

When i was pregnant,no one tells me how challenging parenthood would be. There is no manual you can hold on too, no doctor is ever too good for your kid, and no vaccine is exactly virus-free. Becoming a parent and the source of hope for my kid made me strong when i'm weak and beat my paranoia close to minimum.

I'm holding on for as long as it takes.

Sent from my Samsung Tablet.

life choices

2011-11-06T06:58:00.000-08:00

Living a life defined by beauty sucks. I appeared (somehow) to be confident with my weight, that was until my baju starts to feel a lil bit tighter and my face seems a lttle bit rounder. I have been overwhelmed by body issues far too long till it makes the subject matter so freakin annoying. To eat or not to eat? To vomit or not to vomit. I've thought of becoming bulimic (until i watched how messy its gonna be),i've considered gastric surgery,liposuction (not worth the pain),pills, i've went jogging, walking,running,dancing- all that until i couldnt make time anymore,when job and family squeeze me like a fat gigantic pumpkin squished under a bulldozer. Cut the crap and dont tell me you could do it better. If it is true,then mostly its because you are not living my life. I hate to admit but staying healthy is a lotta work and i just dont freaking know how to make time.

Back to body issues. Countless times have i encountered people throwing such lines - eh nak makan,tapi takut gemuk @ eiuewww this is fatty,this is oily bla bla bs! It sucks to be dictated by diet. And i hate that. My android (no kidding) told me the other day that a lot of overweight people live good life, work well and have families. If its a problem,fix it. If its not,continue living.

Thats just what i'm gonna do. So next time when a bitch says - this makes me fat eeiiiuuuww!!!! I'll say, fat or thin, i'm still better than you,at least i'm not dictated by beauty.

Sent from my Samsung Tablet.

OCTOBER 2011-towards year end.

2011-10-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

With a blink of an eye, we are already moving towards year end. And as for me, so many things happen in 2011, beautiful and otherwise. The most important event of the ear is the arrival of our son-Ahmad Arman Shukri on Mac 17th. Some painful incidents include my mom's diagnosis with Stage 1 breast cancer (since last year) and her journey battling the disease. My sister left for Japan in April and she got engaged in February. I applied for PhD scholarship in September and still awaiting result. All other things remain fabulous. Life, love and everything in between. Life has been good and bad. I'm not living a fairytale so some hiccups are due to take place along my journey. Juggling life with a baby in my arms isn't so easy but I do it anyway. Trying to make ends meet, and taking the day one at a time. Is the future so sure? No. What is for sure then? Now.

Live in the moment.

My inspirational song by Tina McBride - Anyway

You should give it a listen.

ANYWAY by Tina McBride

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

[chorus:]
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
love 'em anyway

[chorus]

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah, sing it anyway
I sing, I dream, I love
Anyway
yeah

My side of the story. Dealing with tiredness.

2011-10-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

Dari pagi saya sprint utk settlekan to-do-list saya dan kini hampir separuh sudah setel. Tinggal beberapa saja lagi, review paper journal, siapkan template CDL, dan tunggu RA report duty petang ini utk dia siapkan kerja research. Sekarang baru mula terasa penat, sangat. Mujur saya masih mampu berfikir dan menulis, kerjaya ini memerlukan itu - terutamanya.

Beberapa hari ini, saya rasa sangat happy, mungkin kerana hidup makin berseri dengan anak yg makin membesar. Hutang masih ada, kerja masih banyak, namun kalau fokus seharian pada yg tertunggak memang mula dan akhirnya hari saya akan bersungut dan muram. Nope, that... I choose not to become.

Keluarga sangat membahagiakan, suami dan anak yg sangat demanding tapi saya tak kisah. Saya enjoy to the max. Being demanded, being the caretaker and being taken care of. Siapa sangka dengan hadirnya si kecil, hubungan kami suami isteri ternyata lebih manja dari dulu. Kemanjaan yg tidak dipaksa, tapi hadir seiring dengan kemanjaan anak :-)

The idea is that, 'our child should not be the reason we love and need each other. our love and need for each other has made our child.' Menyayangi dan mencintai harus hadir setiap saat, dan ianya harus diungkap dan ditunjuk. Saya kurang percaya pada mereka yg kata 'oh cinta tak perlu reinforcement, tak perlu ditunjuk'. Makanya, jgn marah lah bila suami anda tunjuk manjanya pada yg lain ye. Bila sudah ada ikatan yang halal, manfaatkan, small things matter, small actions are worth a lifetime of happiness.

Hmmm, itulah pendapat saya yg mentah lagi dlm alam rumahtangga, apatah lagi dlm menjadi ibu. Syukur kebahagiaan tidak mengukur selama mana tempoh kita dlm perkahwinan. Cukup apa yg ada. Yg kurang dikongsi, yg lebih diraikan. Yg penting kita masih mampu tersenyum bila saat menduga, kerana kita tahu, apa pun yg terjadi kita ada Dia dan si dia :-)

will i still be happy tomorrow? i don't know, but i'm happy NOW :-))

photo from http://conversationpieces.co.uk/
Great website!

HOPE.

2011-10-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

It usually gets hard in the beginning, if in the middle it seems harder, refresh your starting point (Azlyn Zawawi, 2011).

2011-09-22T02:18:00.000-07:00

Melawati blog ibu muda yg dianugerahi anak istimewa, aku rasa menyesal kerana membenarkan diri stress dengan tingkah Arman yg needy 2-3 hari ni. Sepatutnya aku lebih menghargai kemanjaan anak kecil itu, walaupun tangisannya meresahkan. I should be more thankful that at least, my son is healthy despite the fact that he is grumpy at times. Aku menyayangi Arman dengan rasa yang paling dalam.

of Motherhood.

2011-09-18T23:06:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling a little disoriented lately. Felt like I'm falling sick, then for a moment I'm okay, then unwell again. Last few days I had the chance to catch up with some sleep as DH was around to help me manage our son. Arman has been having trouble sleeping and can be really grumpy at night. We've tried making him comfy-giving him a massage and everything, but his tummy sounds very colicky last few nights. I have to handle him all by myself until DH comes back this Friday. Its damn tiring and sometimes I wish I had more energy and more time to sleep. One kakak asked me just now, how do I manage? I seriously didn't know how. Just in a blink of an eye, we are in our 6th month with our dear son in our life. Its amazing but hell alotta work. Every morning I wish things will get better and under some dreamy circumstances, i wish I'll be able to sleep soundly at night-but nahhhhhh that didn't happen. I'm rushing to update my career goals and at the same time restructuring my life as a mother and a wife. Its loads of headache but Im not gonna quit. I wish to look back someday and be thankful that I've been through this tough part of my life.

DALAM PERJALANAN KE ATAS

2011-09-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

Kamu orang pernah dengar org kata 'PhD is a lonely journey'?. Aku rasa diaorang yang kata macam tu betol. Aku belum buat PhD. Baru nak present proposal je pun. Tapi rasa gile sunyi!

Patutlah ada orang yang obses dengan cabaran PhD sampai terhasil buku-buku pasal menuju PhD, dan ada yang taksub meluah perasaan mengenai perjalanan PhD mereka.

Patutkah aku freak out sekarang? Grrrrr....

"Do as much as possible, and talk of yourself as little as possible"

EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

2011-08-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

Some things people said to me, or about me, in front or behind my back, tend to be nailed in my brain - for life. Some words bring meanings-deep meanings. And, those few remarks are a baggage I carry around. I want to let go, but being a perfectionist-wannabe, some baggage are just so damn hard to let go.

Hurtful remarks, truthful realities, and even sweet-romantic statements from my ex-lovers. They haunt me at times. Its almost like I can perfectly hear the voice-playback or the view the video-playback again and again whenever memories strike.

How do I let go?

Emotional baggage- do you have one?

8th Ramadhan

2011-08-07T22:35:00.001-07:00

Urrrrgggghhhhhh, i miss my little man so so much, every inch of his presence is making me such a longing emak. But again, on a positive side, his grandma needs him just as much and if it makes my momma happy, my pappa happy and my boy happy (in which i'm sure he is enjoying every second with his grandparents), i'm a happy emak too.

And shall i say, i am a leisurely vacant emak? open for romantic dates with Arman's ayah? and also for beauty spas and salon dates? while Arman is making sure his grandma is happy (and healthy), I'll make full use of my time until Ramadhan ends so i can continue to speed up, full gear when Arman comes back on Syawal!

SABAR

2011-07-24T01:40:00.000-07:00

Menjadi seorang emak bermakna saya perlu selalu sentiasa bersabar. Saya perlu belajar mencipta kesabaran yg sebelum ini jarang-jarang saya miliki.

Sabar, sabar.

Saya perlu bersabar mendengar tangisan dan rontaan. Saya perlu sabar menahan letih. Saya perlu sabar mendengar terlalu banyak input dari emak-emak lain yang adakalanya mengelirukan, nasihat yang adakalanya tidak diperlukan. Saya perlu sabar menahan marah, menahan tangis, sendiri.

Sabar,sabar,sabar.

Apabila perasaan menekan, dan syaitan berbisik terlalu hebatnya, saya sabar.

Merintih, tapi tetap bersabar.

Sabarnya seorang emak.

Saya perlu sabar dan menahan diri dari mencipta keraguan akan kemampuan sendiri. Kemampuan menjadi emak. Kemampuan menjaga anak. Membesarkan anak.

Sabar itu separuh dari iman.

Saat ini, sabar itu dugaan atas iman.

2011-07-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

Sayang,

Untuk setiap kali hati ini kau sentuh, rasanya tetap sama
Untuk setiap kali bibir ini kau kucup, rasanya tetap sama
Debarnya, manisnya tetap sama.

Dan untuk setiap hari kau tiada, rindunya masih tetap sama.

Tiada sedikitpun kurang dari saat terakhir kita bersumpah.

DISTURBED.

2011-07-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

For the record, and please quote me if you like, I NEVER address my ex-educator (lecturer, teacher, trainer, coach) with no designation. And for some of my ex-students to call me Kak Lyn instead of Puan Lyn is seriously disturbing to me, in which I am not sure how to respond, thus explaining my sudden changing facial gesture everytime I'm addressed that way. I believe in life-long respect, and maybe I am a bit conservative, but I believe that respect starts with name-calling.

Thank you.

Here Comes July, Goodbye June!

2011-07-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, let's not start this entry with a deeeepppp siiigghhhhhhhh...hhhhhhuuuuhhhhhh.... Haha, just kidding, life's great! What's there to sigh for anyway ?

Hhhhuuuuuuuhhhhhh.

So there went June with some resolutions still under construction, and some tasks still remain unchecked in my long, lengthy and draggy list. I am adjusting well oh so well to motherhood (Thank Allah for my own mother, and some very very supportive mothers around me :-)), and tell you, I'm loving every minute. The midnight calls for milk, the sweet-smelling poopoo, the occasional tantrums, the neverending eyebag, sore feet,etc etc. Despite the hardwork, nothing can compare the love I have and hold for my only son (for now hehehe). Its just a feeling you can't describe when the only person your son longed for (despite his father, granma, granpa) is you, his EMAK. The only woman in his life that made him, him. That secure him for 9 months (or so) in her womb and now in the real world.

Hubby tried so hard to be included as much as he can, and while I'm here in my calm-peaceful office, he is attending my son at home, and spring cleaning the house at one go. Sometimes, he has to attend two babies, Arman and me, hehehe. Kena la woi, mengada-ngada sikit dengan husband, ngada banyak pun takpe, suami sendiri. Don't really know how he manage, but I hope for the best *ngeee*

Lately Arman has been so active, so talkative (by that I mean screaming and cooing), and very routinized, which I am so thankful for. Arman is such an understanding baby, he knows my condition and it seems that he tries to make things easier for me, Alhamdulillah.

Last few days, he had a tummy issue due to his current passion of finger sucking and hand munching. I discovered through his yellowish poopoo and his (suddenly) silent mood. He didn't cry, not one sound of crying out loud. At one point, he looked at me, smile and look away, as if telling me " Mak, I'm unwell, but I can manage". Oh that little man.

At work, I try to pick up the momentum. I know I have to catch up fast. My working moods are incredibly fluctuating, and I know it is not healthy. I need to settle some more items in my list before the semester starts, in a couple of months. I will avoid using my child as an excuse to perform, and that is a benchmark I set for myself. I HATE it when parents use their child(ren) as an excuse 'blankie' to give their best. Its hard, no joke, but it can be done.

Back to kerja, kerja untuk anak, anak itu nyawa :-)

Mid-day crisis.

2011-06-21T21:57:00.001-07:00

I miss Arman, i wanna go home, but my to do list is killing me!

Life oh life!

ODE FROM A LOVER

2011-06-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

This one is for my hubby for Father's Day. I love you, always do.

Ode from a Lover
Puisi dari seorang Pencinta

Do you know how much I love you?
Tahukah kamu seberapa banyak cintaku padamu?
Like Boundless ocean
Seperti lautan yang tidak bertepi
And Countless Stars
Dan bintang-bintang yang tidak mampu dikira
That’s how.
Itulah sepertinya.

I love you with a wife’s oath and a lover’s vow
Aku mencintaimu dengan ikrar seorang isteri dan sumpah seorang pencinta
Till death do us apart
Sehingga maut memisahkan kita
That’s how.
Itulah sepertinya.

It’s funny when I miss you all the time
Agak menghiburkan bila aku merinduimu setiap masa
Even when I’m holding tight your hand
Walaupun ketika aku memegang erat tanganmu
And it’s okay if we don’t sing the same song
Dan tidak mengapa jika kita tidak mendendangkan lagu yang sama
Or swing the same steps
Atau menari langkah yang sama
I guess we’re going to be just fine
Kita akan tetap bersama

I have loved you long before this
Aku telah mencintaimu terlalu lama sebelum ini
And I will love you long after this
Dan aku akan terus mencintaimu lebih lama selepas ini
Don’t ask me why
Jangan kau tanya kenapa aku mencintaimu
I just love loving you.
Aku hanya suka jatuh cinta dengan kamu.

MY RE-SU-ME

2011-06-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

Professionally, there are three major things that I can never stop doing ; reading, writing and thinking. Don't ask me to run a 100 meters and swim a mile cause I can't. So while I was browsing my PC today I found a stack of folders containing my writings from years back and hmmm I would say that all that journal-writings that my school teacher Ms Cheah forced us to submit every week really was worth the effort.

This one was dated 18 February 2007
.
.
.

MY RESUME

My name is Azlyn. I’ll be 26 years old November this year. I like to ask questions and I dislike my questions to be answered in questions. The psychometricians are all correct when they say the definite answers are always in the form of numbers. I’m an average Malaysian girl. At one time I’m a go-getter, some other time, I feel its better to sleep than to face the world. Oh ya, and I have a fiancé, if that matters. I’m a student. I study Psychology for my Masters degree. Maybe Motivation for my Doctorate, someday. Of course it’s interesting to explore human behaviour and get busy with those weird feelings, emotions, attitude and crazy definitions of ambiguous abstract facts. And I get to get tested for those. Oh lucky me! I’m not that smart, in case you are wondering. Sometimes I make silly mistakes and while correcting the mistakes, I did a different mistake. You can laugh or smile cynically now.

I was born the first. And I like to keep it that way, being the first. My friend said I’m a perfectionist. I guess it depends on his definition of that term. And he also said he’s lucky not to be me. That, he’s right. It’s not easy being me in a way that some might get tired sweeping the floor every 15 minutes just to make sure that the shine looks just right and to carefully remember the sound of the car alarm locking securely so you can sleep soundly. When I sing to myself while driving or in the shower, I’ll correct my own pitching and diction. Stupid and tiring. No one’s even listening to me anyway. And I’m not even a candidate for the next Malaysian Idol audition. I list down every single detail of the things I want to do the next day and I list the list that I want to do the day after the next. Trust me; the list itself will curse me if they can talk. I got tired being myself at times. I was an executive once. A lousy one. Being someone else’s subordinate, someone whom I guess is actually in a scale 9 out of 10 , a bad decision maker. I love my previous job, I just hate having to work for it. Underpaid. Yes.

My life, until last year has been smooth. Smooth; in a sense that everything, every event fell right in its place. SPM, Diploma, Degree, underpaid job, Masters, engaged. Just nice. But as it entered 2007, I figured out that life is actually not that smooth. Eventually, I tend to hate being attached and I’m tired of looking at my PC screen doing urgent and important writings and I hate being me. I just wanna wake up everyday and do things that will not have impact on other people’s life. Yes, I want a solitary confinement just for me. When I decide not to pick up the phone, I hope someone will not die. Or when I decide to stay at home and just sleep for three days, I hope people will just forget that I even exist. I want people to stop taking advice from me and stop blaming me if things don’t work out the way they want them to be. I’m tired of giving solutions and not able to find any for my own problems. I’m not a savior. I’m not whining! I don’t even know what this is called. Regrets? Whatever.

Junie o' Juno

2011-06-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

Its 2nd of June and I'm feeling oh so fine. I'm really pushing myself to pack and load my baju, the baby's and hubby's stuff though, I guess 2 months at my mom's house really pamper me so so much hehehe. Despite being a mother, being close to my own mother make me a dreamy little girl that I always am, always waiting for my mom to come back from work and squeeze myself into her arms, only now I have to berebut her attention with my son hehehe. Trying to curi some time to blog, which I miss so much, hubby is spending some quality time with Arman. Pity dear hubby since he doesn't get to be with our son as much as myself. But Arman, being a baby that he is, he makes everyone happy just by being himself and 'smelling' the way he is (oouuhhh he smells so good), no biggie, all problems fly when we see Arman smiles :-)

I'll be back and running in my professional attire in less than two weeks and I know I am ready, mentally and physically. Baby arrangements are set, and our home is squeaky clean-maybe not as squeaky as before. I miss work, that I can tell. I am ready to stuff myself with office havoc and writin' and readin' and researchin' - and I'll being doing it mommy-fabolous style hehehe. I really don't know what to expect or how the rest of the year will turn out to be, having now a baby in my arms all the time..but I know I shall not give up or complaint. Once I become a mom, there is no fullstop, its not a role I can quit, so I'll blend and deliver. I won't compromise to the mood swings all too much, but some is ok I guess hehehe.

I thank Allah for a baby as beautiful as Arman, as understanding and as intelligent. He is a miracle, precious in every way. We are learning gracefully the beauty of parenthood and witnessing my parents, I think being good parents are not that hard to be-but still, its a lotta work. I don't wanna brag but I seriously want to bring Arman up the way I was being brought up, I think I have the best parents in the world, not the richest or the coolest but the best, for sure. Parents should remain parents, they should NOT be their child's friends, that I believe. Once our kid treats us like their friends, not their parents, then we can't say much when they cross the lines we set for them. Huh but I guess we'll see how far this parenthood thingy can really change me, or not change me, I don't know. As long as hubby and I stay together- we laugh some and cry some, and make so much love along the way-I think we'll be all right :-)

Before 2011 ends, one more resolution, wait and see, hopefully it becomes a reality!

LOVE YOU MAK, NOW THAT I'M AN EMAK MYSELF, THIS MEANS A LOT MORE.

2011-05-06T18:08:00.001-07:00

Puisi buat Ibu
Khas untuk mak, Puan Norul Noor Rasid. Happy Mother’s Day Mak.
______________________________________________________

Ibu,
Ceritalah padaku tentang hari kelahiranku
Ceritakan ibu, kerna aku tidak pernah jemu
Walau ini kali yang ke seribu...

Dinginkah malam itu ibu?
Gambarkan padaku getirnya kerisauanmu
Bayangkan padaku kesakitanmu wahai ibu
Menangiskah ibu menahan sakitnya melahirkan aku?
Disaat tangisku terdengar,
Bahagiakah ibu?

Ibu,
Ceritakan lagi ibu
Saat ku mula bercerita padamu
Ceritakan tentang kata-kata pertamaku
Ceritakan tentang langkah pertamaku
Bahagiakah ibu, mendengar dan melihatku?

Ibu,
Nyatakan lah ibuku sayang
Kali pertama aku ke sekolah
Cerewetkah aku ibu?
Banyakkah rencananaku? Rumitkah kerenahku?
Sabarnya dirimu ibu, melayan kehendakku...

Ibu,
Ceritalah ibu, bahagiakah dirimu?

Ibu,
Kali pertama aku berdikari,
Risaukah ibu, melepasku?
Diwaktu malam, saat ibu lena tanpaku,
Teringatkah ibu pada suaraku?
Menangiskah ibu?

Ceritalah ibu, ceritalah lagi..
Tentang kali pertama aku mengingkarimu,
Kecewakah dirimu ibu,
Disaat suara ini mengasarimu?
Terlukakah dirimu ibu?
Maafkan aku ibu, maafkan aku.

Ibu,
Di hari pernikahanku,
Ceritalah ibu, apakah perasaanmu,
Sayukah hati mu ibu?
Tenangkah jiwamu, melihatku disisi suami idamanku?
Ibu,
Akankah aku jadi sesempurnamu?
Akankah aku menjadi isteri yang terbaik, wahai ibuku?

Ibu,
Nyatakan lah ibu,
Selalukah aku membahagiakanmu?
Pernahkan aku membanggakanmu?
Mudahkah kehidupanmu dengan kehadiranku wahai ibu?

Ibu,
Dirimulah insan yang paling tinggi darjatnya dalam hidupku.

Sayang,

Anak Mak, Azlyn Zawawi.

WHAT IS THE JOY

2011-05-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

what is the joy of being rich but poor?
what is the joy of being happy but sad?

what is in your hopes and dreams, when it is never realized?
what is in everyday's sunshine, when it ruin the color of your dress?

we whine and we cry,
we curse our luck over some spilled wine
we wish we'd alone, but isn't it pathetic to be always on our own?

so, tell me my friend...
if a million dollar is ever enough to buy someone's love
to tie his promises, to always be yours.

being a part of something special won't always make you special.

ORIGINALLY POSTED : on Wednesday, 20 January 2010

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY EMAK

2011-05-06T17:56:00.000-07:00

alahai rindu nya kat mak. teringat masa mula nak masuk universiti dulu, susah payah mak beratur depan pejabat pendidikan ipoh mintak cop itu ini, ambik borang ptptn segala. time sekolah, kalau ada kerja sekolah banyak, mak akan tunggu sampai kerja siap, baru mak tido. buat kerja sekolah, kalau tulisan buruk, mak akan campak buku keluar tingkap, suruh tulis semua balik semula. kalau baju dalam almari bersepah sikit, mak akan buka tingkap rumah, dan baling semua baju keluar.time sekolah rendah, pernah cikgu Bahasa Inggeris mengarot suruh bawa pokok aloe vera pergi sekolah, saya bawa mak pergi sekolah, habis cikgu kena sound dengan mak, apa ke hal suruh bebudak bawak pokok pergi sekolah. cikgu tu siap ugut nak potong kepala kami lagi. haih cikgu cikgu, psiko agaknya. kalau kena bawak batang pisang utk kelas lukisan, mak akan cari sampai dapat. kalau hari guru, mak akan balutkan hadiah. kalau masuk penggal baru, mak akan balutkan semua buku, gosokkan baju, sampai seluar kecik pun mak gosokkan. kalau pergi rumah orang, dan buat kelaku hodoh, masuk kereta lama ayah, mak akan cubit peha kami adik beradik, sakit oooo.

mak pesan, kalau orang tua bercakap jangan menyampuk. kalau orang tua belum makan, jangan makan. kalau orang tua duduk bawah, jangan duduk atas. mak pesan makan jangan berbunyi, hodoh. mak selalu pesan, jaga adik-adik, jangan gaduh-gaduh. mak kata kalau dah senang, jangan lupa berkongsi ilmu dgn orang lain. jangan sombong. mak kata, jangan biar org buat keputusan utk kita, jangan jadi lembu ditarik hidung. mak kata hidup biar ada prinsip.

rindu kat mak. mak selalu ingatkan 'mak ayah takda harta, hanya ilmu yang mak boleh bekalkan pada anak-anak'. dulu time takder teman hidup, mak selalu pesan ' biar orang terima kita seadanya, buruk macamanapun, biar dia sayang kita lebih dari kita sayang dia'. mak wanita paling hebat. mak aktif, suka menyanyi, mak pernah berlakon satu masa dulu dalam drama 'Rosie' kat TV3 dengan Joanna Bessey dan En. Abu Bakar Omar, siap ada nomination utk Anugerah Skrin.

pada saya, mak lah doktor, maklah chef, mak lah mathematician, mak lah scientist, mak lah beautician, mak lah fashionista, mak lah cheerleader, mak lah cikgu, mak lah polis, mak semua nya di hati saya.

mak terlalu sempurna, mak terlalu hebat.

(originally posted on Monday, 12 July 2010)

Day 42

2011-04-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

As much as i love cuddlin' and smoochin' my son everyday,i still miss a crazy day at work.

Becoming An Emak.

2011-04-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

I guess at some point, every woman is forced to produce some degree of maternal qualities, whether we like it or not. I for instance, was never really a ‘mother’ material. Though I may appear fearless (hehe, as if…) and very very independent, deep inside I’m still a mommy’s girl. I depend on my mom’s approval and consent, and each major decision is furtively supported by my mother’s blessings. Being a mom (brutally) forced me to change my perspective towards life and living. Now, a child later, every time I thought that my mom can solve a-baby-issue for me (my-baby-issue that is), I think again. Now I am taking the front seat, I have to call the shots. Though mom would be more than glad to share responsibilities, but this is my child, and hubby and I will determine the decisions, no matter how small. Yes, it would be easier to hand over my child to his grandma every time I can’t handle the pressure, but what type of mother would that make me?

After a month or so, I feel that being a parent is challengingly-beautiful. There is a very thin-vague line between feelings of intricacy and sense of reward. No self-help books and reading materials can help in the real situations. At the end of the day, after a full day of nursing, I feel accomplished. It feels as if I have achieved something big, something so meaningful, yet very difficult. Some mommies are born to be mommies, I am not. I have to learn how to become one. Though only Allah knows how much I love my son, and that nothing in this world can compare the compassion I have for him, being maternal is still very new to me.

But as everything else in life, I will learn, I will perform and I will succeed.

You tell me.

2011-04-11T01:52:00.000-07:00

Day 26.

I think Arman is performing better than me. I'm dead tired while all my baby boy does is diapering, milking and sleeping...zzz...Everytime i thought i could take a nice 30mins nap, something always came up, and i'll end up doing other things than napping. I'm glad i've the whole family to assist me whenever assistance is needed. At night, mom will be gladly eager to shift night duties, don't think i can get through these new phase without her.

Some may tell me to really enjoy these moments while it lasts. Though i find the tasks of changing diapers and milking is absolutely hard at at 3 am, and is somewhat never-ending, all the restlessness is reimbursed everytime i see Arman's cute little face staring back at me-its priceless. Although i may be counting the days to end up this confinement period, i know these first 44 days or Arman's life, with me by his side all the time is all i need to gear up for many more fond memories and sweet rocky roads, whatever and whenever it may be.

Tentang Arman

2011-04-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

Genap 17 hari sejak Ahmad Arman keluar dari rahim ku. Bergelar mak pada Arman merupakan perkara terindah selepas bergelar isteri kepada Shukri. Hidup selama 17 hari berubah dengan hebat, kadangkala buat aku berfikir sekiranya aku benar bersedia menjadi tempat bergantungnya anak yang tidak tahu apa-apa tentang hidup.

36 jam sebelum melahirkan Arman, aku dipaksa berdepan dengan kesakitan yang tidak pernah aku rasai sepanjang hidup. Sakit yang tidak dapat kutulis atau ku kisahkan. Sakit yang bukan dibuat-buat apatah lagi di pura-purakan. Kumpulkan semua kepedihan hidup, dan mungkin kau dapat rasakan kesakitan untuk melahirkan. Puas aku berzikir, menangis dan merintih, puas mak dan suami menyaksikan kesakitan ku dan hanya selepas 36 jam, keadaan ku tidak mengizinkan Arman dilahirkan secara normal, emergency c-section it is!. Next challenge, suntikan epidural tak dapat dibuat, some technical difficulties, akhirnya aku di GA kan (general anaesthatic). Last yang aku dengar adalah suara doktor anaes yang membisikkan syahadah dan zikir, dan keadaan OR yang kalut buat aku berserah, selepas gas morfin dan suntikan di kiri kanan tangan, aku tidur...zzzzz....next aku disedarkan, MO mengejutkan “Puan, bangun ye, dah selesai operation, boleh jumpa anak”. Time ni, huh serius rasa macam di puncak awan walaupun buka je mata rasa pedih di perut, bayangkan selepas ditoreh nak keluarkan Arman, ku tahankan, apatah lagi selepas di GA kan, asyik rasa nak batuk (kesan tiub dan gas yang masuk dalam salur tekak), batuk sambil ada jahitan c-section di ari-ari buat aku menjerit depan suami, yang mampu dibuat hanya lah melihat kerana walaupun hatinya menangis melihat kesakitan ku, tiada apa yg dapat dia lakukan pun selain simpati. Melihat Ahmad Arman yang sempurna, dan menyaksikan senyumannya dan tangisannya buat kali pertama menghilangkan setiap inci kesakitan yg ada. Segala keraguan tentang apa pun lenyap, yg ada hanyalah kekuatan untuk terus memberikan yang terbaik untuk Ahmad Arman dan membesarkan anak yang sangat sempurna ini. Selama 37 minggu aku hamil, aku telah diuji, setiap rasa yang hadir selama mengandungkan Arman, semuanya makin logik. Setiap emosi makin jelas, melihatkan Ahmad Arman yang makin cerdik, aku kadangkala terkenangkan setiap dugaan dalam membawanya di alam rahim sehinggalah dia lahir ke alam dunia ini. Kadang-kadang aku sebak sendiri.

Ahmad Arman membawa kebahagiaan pada semua orang, dan aku akan menjaganya dan melindungi dia selagi aku terdaya. Menjadi ibu pada Arman merupakan hak eksklusif buatku saja, dan sejauh mana dalam pun emosi yg lain pada anak kecil ini, yg bergelar mak pada Ahmad Arman adalah aku, yang merasakan tendangan pertamanya di dalam rahim ini adalah aku, yang mendengar degup jantungnya sewaktu masih janin-itu aku, yang berlagu kepadanya saban malam sewaktu dia masih di dalam perutku - aku, yang membekalkan darah dan nutrien selama 37 minggu-aku, yang separuh nyawa menahan kesakitan melahirkan –aku, dan bila satu hari nanti Arman ditalkinkan-dihujung namanya, aku.

Randoooom.

2011-03-06T15:55:00.000-08:00

Sayang, apa nama telefon yg promo dlm Raja Lawak tu?

'Android'

Eee..tah apa apa, macam nama penyakit je.

(Tiroid)

:-)

WILL WAR EVER BE JUSTIFIED?

2011-03-02T18:35:00.000-08:00

I've been teaching ethics for quite some time now and i am amazed at the benefits of war, truth be told. Though it may sound ridiculous to some pacifiers, war is the ultimate tool of confrontation and the most effective. As much as people hate war, most of the time, war has got us to where we want to be; mentally or physically.

I've decided to stay (mentally) violent in some matters involving my priorities; lets just see how it goes.

BABY STUFFS

2011-02-28T19:17:00.000-08:00

My wish list, Anakku pun ok.
Hoping for some time this week to browse the nearest Anakku Store.
Baby, I can't wait for you to arrive sayang!

Random.

2011-02-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

At/in/when at work, I always know what I want. So, don't mess :-)

TERLALU BANYAK KATA.

2011-02-24T15:25:00.000-08:00

Abang,

Cinta sempurna wujud, dan ianya wujud dalam banyak bentuk. 3 tahun lalu, sayang fikir, perkahwinan itu hanya satu kewajipan bagi kita. Kalau dah berpasangan, apa lagi yg tinggal, kahwinlah. Namun semuanya tidak seperti yang di skripkan oleh manusia. Sewaktu kali pertama datangnya rasa sayang yang mendalam sehingga membawa ke gerbang perkahwinan, sayang sempat meragui seketika keputusan utk menamatkan zaman bujang. Sayang ingat lagi ayah warning "kakyong jangan buat main-main, esok nak nikah ni". Syukur pada Allah yang memberikan sayang kepastian meskipun dalam keraguan. Tempoh perkenalan kita selama 7 tahun, dan pertunangan selama 2 tahun sebenarnya masih belum cukup utk kita kenal siapa kita masing-masing. Dan setelah usia perkahwinan menginjak tahun ke3, masih sayang rasakan yang masih banyak yg kita perlu dipelajari. Kalaulah hidup semudah yang kita sangkakan.

Tahun pertama perkahwinan memang sangat menduga. Bila sayang imbas kembali, itu adalah tahun yang paling menguji status isteri dan perasaan sebagai wanita. Dengan jarak yg terlalu jauh antara kita, dengan tempias masa silam yang tak jemu-jemu mematahkan ikatan setahun jagung antara kita, sayang hampir putus asa. Tambahan lagi, masuk bulan ketujuh perkahwinan, kita keguguran kali pertama. Pahitnya hampir mustahil untuk ditelan. Saban malam sayang tidur hanya bertemankan air mata, mengenangkan nasib yang tidak seperti diharapkan.

Namun yang tidak berubah adalah cinta abang pada sayang. Kasih dan sayang abang begitu utuh, sehingga tidak mampu menggoyahkan apa pun yang datang. Kasih dan cinta dari abang mendewasakan sayang dan merubah diri sayang. Cinta itu juga yang membuat kita saling memerlukan sehingga ke saat ini. Selepas kali pertama keguguran, sayang begitu yakin yang mungkin takdir hanya menentukan jodoh kita hanya untuk kita berdua. Malah sayang sering meminta abang berjanji untuk tidak meninggalkan sayang walau apa terjadi. Dalam hati, Tuhan saja yang tahu rasa kekurangan yang ada pada diri ini. Apa juga harta dunia tidak mampu menggantikan rasa sesal dan kecewa kerana masih tidak memiliki zuriat dalam tempoh 2 tahun perkahwinan.

Abang,

Namun begitu, zuriat bukanlah segala-galanya bagi kita. Begitu juga harta. Pada satu masa, kita begitu selesa hidup berdua, meski jarak menyeksa. Selepas tahun pertama yang mencabar, tahun berikutnya datang dengan mudah. Mudah sekali bagi keluarga dan rakan rapat untuk melihat betapa eratnya kasih sayang kita. Tidak pernah sekalipun abang meninggalkan sayang. Apatah lagi mengabaikan. Kita bersyukur atas satu demi satu kurniaan Allah untuk kita, meskipun dalam masa yang sama kita mengumpul pengalaman pahit dan manis sebagai pasangan dewasa.

Abang,

Kalau ada yang bertanya pada sayang, "indahkah perkahwinan?" Sayang akan menjawab "indah itu hanya dalam cerita dongeng". Dalam usia yang begitu muda, kita dipaksa menjadi manusia baru, meninggalkan jauh masa silam yang banyak menyumbang memori yang tidak mungkin dapat dipadamkan. Sayang tidak pernah menyesal jatuh cinta dengan abang. Apa lagi menjadi isteri abang. Malah sayang bersyukur rasa cinta ini semakin hari semakin bertambah, seiring dengan hadirnya kandungan kita yang ketiga ini. tidak pernah terilham pengorbanan yang abang lakukan untuk sayang sepanjang sayang hamil. Terlalu banyak dan terlalu menduga beristerikan wanita hamil seperti sayang; manja, mengada-ngada, baran tak kira masa.

Sayang tahu, kadang-kadang abang juga tertekan, tapi pada siapalah lagi harus sayang mencerminkan sifat sebenar ini. Tapi tidak pernah sekali pun abang bosan atau mengadu letih. Di saat sayang menangis di sisi abang setiap kali rasa berat tidak tertanggung, setiap kali abang menahan ngantuk menemani resah sayang sambil mengusap dahi ini, setiap kali itu juga rasa rindu dan sayang makin menebal dlm diri sayang. Mungkin di tahap ini, sayang sudah tidak mampu hidup tanpa abang. Malah apalah definisi hidup jika tiada abang?

Abang,

Mungkin sayang bukan yang terbaik. Dan sayang tidak mahu terus mencuba menjadi yang terbaik. Sayang cuma mahu menjadi isteri abang, dan menjadi diri sayang. Dan menerima abang seadanya abang. Ramai yang lupa, 'yang terbaik' itu juga hanyalah dongengan.

Selamat ulangtahun perkahwinan ketiga yayang.

Untuk 33 tahun lagi.

Untuk selamanya.

1 Mac 2008 - 10 am

Terima kasih kerana tidak meminta lebih dari apa yang mampu sayang berikan.

UBAN

2011-02-24T00:20:00.000-08:00

After 29 years.

Argh...rambut dah beruban!!! Oh nooooooooooooo!!!

Gastritis?

2011-02-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

After posting my last entry, I was supposed to prepare myself for a 2 hour lecture, and since i arrived very early to work this morning (before 8am okey), i had the chance to start on a paperwork which is due before my leave. But as soon as i started typing my first sentence, i had a sharp pain right above my tummy, the spot where my doc told to be aware of, as a sign of pre-eclampsia.

There are 4 signs of pre-eclampsia; a disease of high blood pressure occured in pregnancy-headache in the front temporal lobe, sharp pain in upper abdomen., blurry visions and nausea.I didn't experience the other three but the sharp pain in my upper tummy definitely alarmed me.

So i called my students to cancel my 10 am lecture, called my dear friend cum my wing-man downstairs to brief her on the evening meeting, called the person I'm supposed to meet for that meeting in the evening and make a quick update-stop in Fifa's room to discuss a few matters. With the sharp pain still stabbing quietly, i shoot to Dr June's office. She looked concerned after i told her the pain and later did we both found out that i'm having gastric/gastritis. I never had it before but i thank God its not pre-eclampsia.

That was 10 hours ago, and now at 8pm, after taking the medications and eating some food every 2 hour, so that tummy won't be empty, the pain is still there. I hope it'll subside soon enough, if not i'll check myself in the hospital first thing tomorrow morning.

Baby is fine, kicking quite hard even when I'm typing this but I can't stand the gastric, its too sharp at times.

Hubby is on his way back and i can tell that he can't be at ease since yesterday.

We'll see how it goes, may Allah help me with the pain.

Apa lagi seterusnya?

2011-02-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

Haih.

Aku ada lagi lebih kurang 40 hari before EDD. Since EDD aku ada dua, one from GH and one from Pantai Hospital, aku pun tak tahu mana yg tepat, tapi redah je lah, still dua-dua EDD dlm first week April yg mana dlm kiraan aku ada dlm 1 bulan setengah je lagi. Sumpah rasa gila lama. Kalau boleh aku rehat je sekarang ni kan bagus.

Keadaan kesihatan aku bagus, alhamdulillah dan baby juga sangat menyenangkan, cuma dengan badan yg berat, aku rasa sungguh easily-exhausted. Pengalaman mengandung kali pertama dengan hampir 70% masa dihabiskan bersendirian tanpa suami tercinta sungguh mengajar aku erti sabar. Setiap hari mesti aku dan suami mengira hari dipertemukan semula, rindu sangat! Semalam saja hampir 20 sms kami berkisar tentang rindu. Hehe, memang poyo la (kalau kau jeles)! Dia kata " Tak sabar nak balik, nak sandar di bahu sayang, dan usap-usap perut sayang". Usap la bang selagi boleh, esok bila anak dah keluar, dan perut dah menggeleber kita usaha bagi kempis pulak eh. Bukan perut sayang je, perut abang jugek..Haha, love you.

Sungguh, walaupun ada lebih kurang sebulan setengah, aku doa agar aku tidak perlu menunggu sehingga overdue. Mendengar kisah-kisah rakan-rakan yg overdue dan kena induce, aduh...Semoga lah Allah permudahkan urusanku. Anak mak anak yg baik kan, kita lalui bersama ya sayang.

Di tempat kerja, aku lebih selesa bertapa di pejabat dari kesana kemari. Walaupun sebelum ini tenaga aku, Masyaallah sampai org yg letih tengok aku buat kerja, tapi sekarang, di akhir-akhir saat 10 bulan ni, aku rasa senang dengan kesunyian dan kesejukan bilik pejabat sendiri. Syukur nya kerjaya ni menyenangkan aku. Sambil rasa baby buat pusingan U dlm perut, sambil masih boleh siapkan penulisan dan kertas kerja, kalau penat sangat tak tertanggung, bentang alas dan tarik bantal, rehat sekejap. Memang rewarding.

Sekarang hidup rasa sangat tenang, despite the fatigue. Walaupun kadangkala aku menerima simpati tak bertempat dari org, aku tak kisah, biarlah mereka dengan kata-kata mereka. Buat masa ni, memang aku rasa on top of the world. Selepas subuh, bersiap ke kampus, langkah kaki kanan keluar rumah, tengok laman yg hijau, dan suasana yg tenang, sampai pejabat, dada rasa lapang. Masuk pejabat, kerja masih banyak, namun aku dah tak menggila kejar dateline. Ini change of behavior atau apakah? Tapi sumpah, rasa happy.

Hmm tu lah dia sedikit updates before kuliah jam 10 ini. After that meeting straight sampai petang. Esok hubby pulang, memadu kasih lagi kami berdua. Ingat on Saturday nak round tengok barang baby. Aku tak la excited beli barang, mak banyak dah belikan. Tapi tengok suami belek baju anak dia, buat aku geli hati. Dgn muka confuse, kejap garu kepala, haha, layan je bang! Janji berbaju anak kita.

Ciao.

2011-02-14T05:18:00.000-08:00

I am at a very very good place in life right now. At times, ending my days with swolllen feet and itchy tummy, I feel happy that things are finally taken into its places. I realized that now I can better managed my temper, while still preserving my priorities. I can never predict the future, and come what may. My strategy of taking things one step at a time really works, and greater things are achieved this way.

I love my husband so much, thank you darling for making me feel like a queen everyday since the first time you told me you love me (and that was yearssss ago). I love love love you, 60 seconds a minute, 60 minutes an hour, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year, and for all the years that I shall live!

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.(Judy Garland)

RAISING CHILDREN

2011-02-12T03:21:00.000-08:00

Close to becoming a parent, i've had a lot to think about, especially on what kind of parent that i would turn out to be. Yea, some say that i should go with the flow, when only time will determine my parenting style. I beg to differ. I believe that how i was being raised say so much of what kind of parent that i'll becoming. I had the chance to observe the parenting style of others in which some are definitely against my principals.

Was watching neighbouring kids playing with each other that day, until some of them started to spit to one anothers' faces, all this happened while their moms were busy chit-chatting nearby. One of the mommy shouted and pulled her son away while the other mommy blankly stare at her kid who spitted. I was seriously wondering (and later discussing with hubby), if that's my kid, how would i react? My inner voice acclaimed that i should pull my child and perhaps subtly slap his mouth for behaving in such a rude manner, or maybe implement some other kind of punishment like 'pandang dinding' for 30 minutes (when i was younger, i would be punished by staring at the wall while forced to think of my misbehavior, and my mom would stand behind my back with her rotan, just to ensure i finish my punishment time), i was also once locked out because i came home late from the park, which definitely taught me so much about time management later on. I believe that i'll be the kind of parent that punish when punishment insists, and reward when rewards are due. Spoiling kids by 'never saying no' or 'tidak pernah marah anak' isn't my style, at all. I would, if condition insists, rotan my kids if their behavior is way across boundaries. There is no use in defending your own child when they are definitely at fault. It is who they turn out to be that matters, it doesn't matter what others' would think of you (as a parent) when you start punishing your child. And of course, we are not talking about child abuse here. For mothers who carry their child for 10 months in that heavy heavy tummy, she would be insane to start hurting (to bleed) their dear child.

And when i start to think of what my kid(s) would turn out to be, I'm concerned even more. Would my babies be able to stand up for themselves, or would they be timid, with very low self-esteem? Having this military background in my family, I am raised with high self-esteem, some of my friends were even amazed at the amount of confidence i sometimes have (like singing in public, solo, at 10 y.o~~ LOL). But thats who i am. We are developed by my parents to be strong enough to confront when we are being pushed, and to be silent when ever our opinions are not needed. I just wish that hubby and i would have the same wisdom to bring up our kids that way. I would never allow my babies to be shadowed by others, hiding behind other people's strength,when they themselves could be leaders and individuals with pride and self-worth.

But could i protect them? Or would i be over protective? I want to be their mother, not their friend, no matter how modern the condition has shifted. Mothers should remain as mothers, with maternal personalities and persona. And that just who i want to be, a mother.

But who knows?

EVERYBODY HAS SOMEBODY

2011-02-09T02:59:00.000-08:00

My lil' sis. We might not speak the best sisterhood language. At times, I can't comprehend the song you sing, or the steps you take. And I swear, more than once, I seriously thought its impossible that we came from the same family tree. But you are my lil' sis, and I love you so dearly. So what if we do not exchange high school gossips, or beauty tips on how to wear mini skirts (we hate skirts anyway). Different, is what we are, and I never regret that fact. There is no one in this world that could replace a lil' sis as special as you. Not even a dear friend, nor a loving hubby. So i might be shouting and screaming to your face, but please be reminded, the blood in your veins are the same as mine, and no amount of money can replace that fact.

Selamat Menunang!

51 hari lagi.

2011-02-09T02:28:00.000-08:00

Its a freaky hot 6.30 pm on the evening of 9 February 2011, approx. 51 days from my due date. Its just another day at work, and another evening at home, and I am enjoying baby's kicks and turns as I'm writing this.

Melayari 8 bulan sebagai wanita hamil adalah satu pengalaman yang cukup hebat, tidak tertulis dengan perkataan, tidak terucap oleh perasaan. Setiap satu dugaan, aku harungi, aku redah demi menunggu hari yang paling indah, hari kelahiran anak sulung ku, Insyaallah. Maha Hebat Allah yang menciptakan sesuatu dan Dia juga lah yang memberinya kehidupan. Tidak terhingga rasa sayu pada Allah Yg Esa kerana memberi peluang pada aku dan suami, serta keluarga di kampung untuk merasakan keterujaan untuk menanti kelahiran anak yang sekian lama dinantikan. Di hujung-hujung tarikh ni, aku cuma berdoa agar selamat aku melahirkan anak yang sihat sempurna. Semoga Allah mempermudahkan urusanku dalam melahirkan dan memberi ku umur yang panjang untuk belajar menjadi ibu yang baik.

Syukur juga pada Allah Tuhan Sekelian Alam, kerana mengurniakan aku pasangan yang sangat memahami, terlalu memahami hingga tiada pernah sedikit pun dia merungut akan realiti sebenar bertemankan isteri manja yang terlalu meminta-minta, apatah lagi disaat hamil. Syukur nya pada Allah kerana membekalkan kesabaran pada suami yang tidak jemu membelai di saat hiba, memberi ihsan disaat aku kesempitan tenaga, menghulurkan rasa kasih dan cinta seorang teman hidup yang tiada dapat aku perolehi dari mana-mana insan lain pun.

Syukur lagi aku pada Allah SWT yang melapangkan kehidupan mak dan ayah serta kedua adik adik ku, mengurangkan kesakitan dan bebanan mereka, memberikan mereka kesihatan yang cukup baik dan kegembiraan rohani dan fizikal yang tak dapat dibeli dgn duit. Setiap pagi aku tersedar dari tidur, tidak pernah tidak pasti aku akan mensyukuri nikmat-nikmat ini yang hanya Allah saja yang tahu dimana penghujungnya.

Bebanan di tempat kerja perlahan-lahan makin berkurangan. Aku cuba clearkan in-tray yg mana boleh, especially tugas-tugas hakiki ; kuliah dan penulisan. Syukur lagi diberi partner yang cekap, sometimes, in academics, i think Fifa is a reflection of me! At times, our mind can really sync through unspoken words hehe.Thanks Pip. Semoga selama 3 bulan, aku betul betul dapat rehat yg cukup dan masa yg betul berkualiti utk dihabiskan bersama keluarga. Dan sekembalinya nanti, around Jun/Julai, semoga aku makin bersedia menjadi yang terbaik, Insyaallah.

Perasaan di saat ini, menjelang 51 hari lagi ke due date, aku rasa blur. Ada sikit takut, ada banyak gembira. Boleh ke aku meneran ni? Berat naik lagi 2.5 kg since last 2 weeks. Aku cuba utk tidak memalaskan diri. Dr June cakap, kena banyakkan berjalan dan senaman, utk mudah baby keluar. Aku ni dah tak larat senaman dah. Pukul 7 dah siram rumput di halaman, aku sampai kat parking lot ofis, kereta lain takde lagi, sempat la aku berjalan keliling (suku) bangunan hehehe. At the end of the day, kaki bengkak, wow~~ Dalam pada tu, masih lagi hubby kata aku comel. Thanks abang, pandai amik hati.

Not to sound cliche, but since I'll be going through a historic event only I will experience, doakanlah aku selamat melalui pengalaman ini. Doa kalian amat aku harapkan utk mengiringi aku buat pertama kali ini. Semoga aku masih bernafas utk sekelian kali bila kita bertemu nanti di ruang ini. Insyaallah.

68 days to go.

2011-01-28T02:51:00.000-08:00

Its 6.51 pm on a friday evening and i am currently waiting patiently for my lover to come home. I swear i'm gonna give him the tightest hug and kiss when he walks into this little cottage of ours. Gosh being in love can really make you miserable. I mean, accept the fact, don't you just enjoy love when it is celebrated, someone to hold, hug and kiss, someone to shout at and then make love after. Oh just shut up, love must be crazy(!!!) or its just gonna be like one of those couple with too many kids in which all they do is have sex and end up being in labor room and later cracking their heads on how to make ends meet. Celebrate love people, enjoy it, don't be afraid to be yourself. Stop holding back on pouring too much love, because we live only once, and we'll never know when it'll end.

Love, live, dance!

Muah!

2011-01-25T18:27:00.001-08:00

Jangan tanya soalan bodoh
Nanti dapat jawapan bodoh

2011-01-23T21:21:00.000-08:00

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.
Joseph Campbell

I can't even begin to think of how much i miss my family. It feels like time is torturing you when you are in deep love. I need some time to re-evaluate my priorities and needs, and major part of the re-evaluation involves my family. With a little one on the way, and this killing distance between hubby and me, i need to be in the comfort of my little clan that puts my mind back into frame. Rindu nya!

2011-01-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

I'm free but I'm focused

I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

Just so you know.

2011-01-17T06:10:00.001-08:00

I don't forgive. I don't forget.

I don't know how to. And I don't want to try to.

79 days to go.

2011-01-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

Pagi yg hening..

"Sayang mohon abang ampunkan salah silap sayang, halalkan semuanya, supaya senang sayang lahirkan anak kita. Kalau sayang tak sempat jaga dia, abang jagalah dia sebaiknya dan beri dia yang terbaik"

"Heeiiii!!!!!!"

Hehehe... kena sergah, potong stim nak drama sikit.

RESTING BEFORE YOU GET TIRED, WILL MAKE YOU MORE, TIRED.

2011-01-14T04:20:00.000-08:00

People are weird. When I wasn't pregnant, they go around me handling sympathy of me being not pregnant. Now that I am 'too' pregnant, they pat my back, and occasionally rub my belly while sending sympathy for me being 'too' pregnant. I don't really get it. I mean, whenever this big mouth shouts "Hola! I'm dead tired!!"... its the mouth thats moving, not the mind. While the body can still take the urgency of my life, the mind does as well. I mean, i do take rest, regularly. I am a queen of my bed all weekends, ask hubby, he'll gladly agreed. When I'm not in bed spending my lazy moments talking to my tummy, I have a highly compassionate partner that pamper me like a queen (he always does, preggie or not).

I've come to a point where I can get sick of people's comments. Its not their opinions that trouble me, per se, its how their remarks make me feel disturbed and uneasy. I mean, look people, I am not that weak! Stop asking me to stop doing what I like. Does that really make me an unprepared/ungrateful mother to be? Do they really really expect me to feel sluggish and not performing?

I don't get it, really. I mean, I've had my bad days, those days that I feel moodious and melodramatic, the days that make me feel so sore and tired like it couldn't get any worse, but those days are not everyday. Occasionally, I breakdown to hubby's arms like a little girl fighting over a piece of candy. But other days, I am still the same me, objectified and committed.

Hmm..my goal in life is still the same, I want to be legendary (woahhhh!). And having a baby won't change my perspective of how perfect life can turn out to be. My mom can do it, and so do I. I won't stop aiming for the stars. The stars are still my goal, and I'll gladly pursue higher dreams now that I'll have my baby, my motivation, my angel. And...maybe more babies, who knows?

2011-01-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

Quote of the Day

Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves.

Dale Carnegie

2011-01-09T22:16:00.001-08:00

I don't really feel THAT stressful as some keep pointing, and it feels uneasy to take a break when I'm not really tired. I try to stay calm though throughout the day, and try to have a positive mind till the end of it. Still, there are unfinished business that needs my concerns and resting from those will only make me more stressful. I'm not used to taking things easy since most of the time, I am energized by being in charge and in control. Letting that side of me go seems worthy at the moment since above all, no matter what, BABY is important. I need to keep reminding myself all the time of that. Who is important? BABY is important. What is important? BABY is important. Whose BABY? My BABY.

Hmmmm....

^_____________^

Entering final trimester. Yeahhooo...

2011-01-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

I've recently discovered that i have hypertension prior to pregnancy. The readings are definitely high for an expecting lady. It surprises me a little though, knowing my BP has never been extremely high. So what did I do? Yes!!! I freak out. Luckily everyone else wasn't. Hubby was doing his part remarkably well by doing his routine massage and foot rub and some sweet love talking (hehehe......) to help reduce my readings. Mak and ayah suruh rehat. Wonder how I can do that in the middle of all these semester-chaos. I guess I have to force myself to have a good rest, aren't I? What an irony.

I've to be closely monitored for this whole week and I don't mind as long as I know my baby is in good condition. And good news, so far, I've made it to the 28th week and there's still 12 weeks to go. Insyaallah, unless the joy inside decides he wants to come out earlier by a week or two. So, I'm gearing myself up to finish what I can, lecture most importantly and some personal achievement-goals, while trying to remain calm and relax.

As much as I want to hurry things up, I have to admit, even a superwoman needs a break ;-p

Dating with The Tourist.

2011-01-05T23:04:00.000-08:00

Weekend minggu lepas sempat la kami lovebirds tengok movie setelah dekat setahun tak tengok wayang. Mula-mula penat, tapi memikirkan dah lama tak tengok movie, dan lepas baby keluar, mungkin lebih lama lagi, aku dan hubby gagahkan jua semangat. Aku nak buat movie marathon, tengok Jack Black dan Jolie continously, namun dihalang oleh pakwe sejati yang taknak aku membebel penat duduk lama dlm panggung. So The Tourist it is, dan alhamdulillah puas aku jamu mata tengok bibir seksi Angie (sejak mengandung ni memang suka tengok pempuan cantik, sejuk je hati, sah sah ada hero dlm perut support mak dia heheh) dan pasangannya Johnny Deeeeep (Deeepppp...bak kata hubby. Puas aku bilang " Depp bang bukan Deep").

Anyway, i miss hanging out, i miss staying out late, and enjoying the night out. Sometimes we do that, just the two of us, holding hands, purposeless walk in the evening, driving around to the end of nowhere until we realized that all we want to do is go home and be comfortably quiet just by sitting next to each other. Hmmmmm...

I love you bang.

DLT.

2011-01-03T21:41:00.000-08:00

I can really delete people. No joke. I can really do that. Try me.

A day before the day that ends 2010

2010-12-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not very happy these few days. Mostly, because i feel that it has been ages since i get 'intimate' with my research and writings, and the feelings are not something i'd like to continously experience. Being unable to express myself as an academician restricts my emotions from keeping in tact with my intellectuality. It doesn't feel good. Handling administrative stuffs i.e. students registrations, students complaints, students/lecturers/attitudes etc etc make me half insane, while the other half thanking Almighty for the experience. I try to push myself beyond limits and i think thats hurting my energy. Sometimes, when conditions are too tight, my kicking baby really put me at ease; making me re-evaluate my priorities. I want things to slow down a little, by that i mean things at work especially those administrative issues that keep pouring in. I'm not born to become a university administrator (i think), and until the future proves me otherwise, there is this intense need to stick to my bread and butter : books, pencils and maybe, some doughnuts.

Happy new year peeps!

ANAK MAK

2010-12-29T05:03:00.000-08:00

Anak mak...
Membesar lah sayang, membesarlah sesempurnanya, membesarlah dengan rahmat yg Allah kirimkan pada mu. Mak disini menanti kehadiranmu ke dunia, sayang. Menanti dengan penuh sabar saat kita ditemukan pertama kalinya.

Anak mak...
Celiklah matamu sayang, senyumlah semanisnya. Semoga anak mak tahu yang mak sedia seadanya, menerima dirimu dengan penuh redha, anugerah Allah yang terlalu tinggi harganya.

Anak mak...
Lahirlah dan hiduplah. Dan jadilah apa pun, namun jadilah yang terbaik, kerana kau darahku, nyawaku. Sayang anak mak.

I'm not perfect and so do you.

2010-12-23T19:17:00.000-08:00

Everytime I am treated badly by someone I considered highly significant, I never forget. Nor I hold any grudge or bad revenge as evil thoughts.

But I pray, and I hope, someday, when the time is right, the mistreatment I received will be paid for, and that person will be sorry for at least a considerable amount of moments in their life.

What goes around comes around.

2011!

2010-12-20T01:57:00.000-08:00

I want my PhD soooo bad, nothing more nothing less!

I wish I have more time to accomplish more great things!

2011 is THE year. It's 2011 or never!

2011; the baby, the career, the PhD.

Its not an easy road, but there is no other road =)

So, here I come, with my big belly and two swollen ankles, I'm ready to take on the universe : my universe (at least some part of this universe, before I pop out!)

CLOSING 2010?

2010-12-18T21:34:00.000-08:00

Closing 2010 with so much ups and downs really made me a grateful lady inside out. So many happened in 2010 and i could say, this is one of the best years in my life. Some sad occurrence happened but many joy came as company.

'Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mentioned' :-)

1. Year of ICOPS 2010 - a success inside out, neither me nor anyone I know had any bad remarks on the event.
2. I had my second miscarriage in March, but hey, back on board again now-Alhamdulillah, 24 weeks and still counting.
3. More pregnancy news- the baby's sex has also been determined, three times, clearly seen on the sonogram yeay!
4. My responsibility has been expanded, now as a Head Unit. I must say, being given this opportunity opens my eyes to a lot of things, and a whole bunch of human behavior.
5. Recently, I've been awarded with a huge award! Made me teary the minute i found out. Have to thank my KP , my big boss and a few friends, for their endless support. Three years of service, I consider myself very lucky to be honored such an award.
6. Mom was diagnosed with BC. Breaking news, but everything happens for a reason. Good news is that its still an early stage-Stage 1. And she did her treatment, and on her way to getting completely cured. Its a challenge seeing her in pain, definitely made me a much more humble daughter and servant of Allah Almighty.
7. I've scored full marks in my PTK. Not that it means anything huge, but hey full marks! I definitely wow-ed myself.

I can list my achievements + breakdowns till towards the end of the page, but i'll just bore myself (and bore you!). So, be it, I love 2010. And I know, somewhere in 2011, I'll find more excitements and I'll be ready for more breakdowns (if any).

My life is not a fairytale. I don't wake up each day to serving-maids and angels brewing me coffee. I struggle to make ends meet, and while ensuring my head is held up high, I try to look down once a while, just to make sure I don't trip nor hit myself and others. I have to secure my future and build a happy family, luckily my family sampled me excellent examples. And more luckily, my hubby, mummy, daddy, and both my sister and brother never leave my side, and always there to alarm me.

Its not a sunny day everyday, but it's okay, because I need some rain to water my flowers :-)

HEAR ME COMPLAINTS

2010-12-15T21:21:00.000-08:00

I'm back on board after 2 weeks on the road, with a little pleasure mix up with a whole lot of work settlements. Lucky me, I've got my dearest hubby accompanying me all the way and my family lending a hand in picking me up and dropping me off wherever I need to be. Regardless, I'm tired. I mean, though I insist on never using my pregnancy as an issue, let's face it, there's only this much that a 6-months-pregnant lady can do. Without the help of my hubby, I can't even get myself out from his car. And without the help from people around me, I can't even lift up things, even my laundry basket! I have to admit, at this point, i am H E A V Y. And heavy it is! Despite the weight, my work life resumes as usual. Today is a busy day since its about time my department received newly registered students. Next, I'm gonna give a talk on campus, and the day after I've to be in Penang for another event. And yes, for Ms.-Pregnant-Azlyn, its tiring. I can commit to all these before, no excuses but in moment like this, I would rather be at home, with my feet lifted up and my almonds by my side. Hurrgghhhh...

But work it is, and I'll absorb everything demanded of me. Hear my complaints, but you know, I'll never back down.

SWEET SWEET NOVEMBER

2010-11-24T02:51:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah. Hari ni aku bernafas lagi. Berkat kuasa Allah yang mengizinkan aku hidup utk kesekian hari dan menikmati indahnya cinta manusia di sekelilingku. Syukur.

Kerja
Sudah masuk bulan ke empat sejak jawatan Ketua Unit ni aku pegang. Walaupun sering aku trash-talk kan tugas baru ni, fulfillment nya hanya mereka yg lalui saja yang tahu. Meeting yang makan masa 5 jam (mungkin lebih), tuntutan pihak luar yang memeningkan, dokumentasi yang rumit dan kasar di mata aku, semuanya menyesakkan tapi sikit pun aku tak sesal bergelar Ketua. Setiap kali aku diamanahkan dengan lebihan tanggungjawab, aku melihat kepada kepercayaan mereka yang semakin berat padaku, yg menanti jawapan muktamad aku dalam keputusan. Hmm..alhamdulillah, aku bangga dalam rendah hati.

Its not the easiest job in the world, nor the hardest. There are always new interesting phase each day and each cicumstances developed my intellectuality to become better and wiser. Amazingly, despite my crazy schedule, i still manage to find some time to work on a few academic projects and some personal-career goals. And heck yes, it feels good to be in the decision making team, with so many behind-the-scenes issues which make me more appreciative towards my profession as an academician. Do i love the new post? NO. But would i want it any other way? NO.

Hidup
Hidup semakin indah, cinta buat anak dlm rahim dan cinta buat kekasih yang menjadi peneman setia semakin bertambah hari ke hari. Menakjubkan sekali semua perkembangan yang terjadi pada badan aku. Ajaibnya kuasa Allah. Dan suami, ahhhh...suami....indahnya suamiku.Pernahkah lagi kau dengar cerita suami yang begitu taksub mencintai isterinya? Apatah lagi bila isterinya hanya insan biasa, berkaki besar dan berbadan bulat. Dalam perhubungan suami isteri, aku rasa aku hidup di alam kayangan. Sejak mula jatuh cinta, sehingga ke tahun-tahun terkini dan sehinggalah ke saat ini, indahnya rasa yang Allah beri pada kami suami isteri. Semoga kekal ke syurga hendaknya.

Mak
Rasa macam baru semalam aku diberitahu penyakit yang datang melawat mak. Tapi kini mak terlalu sihat, seakan-akan sel kanser yang datang macam demam yang dibunuh dengan panadol saja. Dua hari lepas selesai kimo pertama. Lima lagi sesi akan menyusul bersama siri ubat-ubatan, sebelum mak bergelar 'cancer survivor'. Melihat keadaan mak, mesti tiada yang percaya dia sakit. Malah kami tidak mengizinkan sedikit pun perasaan simpati org luar masuk ke dalam keluarga kami. Simpati hanya utk mereka yg gagal. Mak berjaya menentang kanser tahap 1 yang (pernah) dihidapnya. setiap perbualan aku dengan mak tidak pernah berubah ke arah kesedihan dan kekesalan. Yg ada pada mak hanya tekad utk melihat cucu membesar, dan anak gadisnya yg lagi satu tu selamat membina masjid.

Masa depan
Siapalah yg tahu? God has a plan for each one of us. Being a mom-to-be freaks me out from every possible aspect but it also overwhelms me with joyful emotions and happiness. Being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a mother, an employee, an academia fulfills my day with surprises and endless possibilities. Do i get tired? YES. Does people pisses me off? YES. But do i hate living? NO.

Cheers.

Urgh. Mellow mellow mood.

2010-11-13T02:46:00.000-08:00

This feels like the longest period ever since we've parted, and i miss him so so much. I miss the sight of him, his smell, his presence. I miss you so much hubby.

Its true what they say, when you are in love, the days always seem slower and longer every second you are not together. I hate weekends when he's not by my side.

And baby, keep sommersaulting inside mak dear, i can feel you. And ayah will join us in a few days time.

Love you both so much.

PERFECT

2010-11-09T21:58:00.000-08:00

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu

Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

SEMPURNA (Andra & The Backbone)

Bedroom Conversations.

2010-11-07T17:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, before i sleep, i make him swear that I'm his only love.

Sickening?

Quite.

But me being a wife, and him being a man, i need to know what i need to know.

P/S: never take an issue to lightly until its late enough to regret it (writing from experience).

Azam 2011-Episode 1

2010-11-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

Azam baru (pertama) saya utk tahun 2011 adalah untuk menjauhi makhluk-makhluk negatif yg suka memaki dan mencarut. Yg suka melihat kebodohan orang tanpa sedar kedaifan akal diri sendiri. Cerita-cerita yg sudahnya tragis dan sedih juga harus saya jauhi. Bukan saya tak mahu berpijak di bumi nyata, namun sudah cukup saya bersifat 'worst-case' selama ini.

"Oh...itu bahaya...oh...ini bahaya..."

"Oh itu boleh mati...oh ini bikin mampus...."

"Eh bodohnya korang, loh bangangnya diorang"

Semua ni akan menambah paranoia dlm diri saya. (InsyaAllah) Akan nanti bila adanya anak kecil yg tidak berdaya yang akan bergantung pada kekuatan dan ketabahan saya, semua ini wajib saya jauhi dalam usaha menjernihkan semula aura positif yg semakin pudar dlm diri.

Shoooh...shoooooh.....Nak memaki pi tempat lain...

Updates from Fantasyland?

2010-11-03T21:44:00.001-07:00

I spent all morning cleaning and dusting my office, buang habuk dan mop lantai, dan tiada perasaan yg lebih indah dari perasaan yg bersih. Petang pun sudah menjelma dan haruslah start marking final code. Sambil tu layan lagu KRU. Pergh memang best halwa telinga ni. Lagu Cherrina, Dua, Malam Kita buat aku teringat zaman teenage dulu, berangan kena tackle dengan anak raja lah, orang kaya lah, bagi bunga, ajak menari lah. What a nice fantasy. KRU memang tahu buat anak gadis tak popular macam aku berangan yg indah-indah, time tu lah hajat hati nak kahwin dgn Yusry. Takpun Norman. or Edry. Angan-angan...ada anak nak bubuh nama cam diorang. Indahnya zaman remaja hahaha. Memang best.

Tapi tak se-best sekarang kan?

;-p

What eeeekkk feeling...

2010-11-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

Hmm...since morning I've been experiencing tickling sensation in my lower tummy. Could that be my baby? Woooweeeee......

Doktor ckp with my XXL size, susah nak rasa baby gerak at 18 weeks, tapi kuasa Allah, siapa lah yg dpt jangka kan?

Hooohooooo...

Baby nak bagitahu apa kat mak ni sayang...rasa geli-geli perut mak ni...

Anyway, woooweeeee................

Excerpt below taken from Yahoo Answers:

"People told me i would feel fluttering or slight movement around week 17-18, instead i just got quite a strong nudge at 18 weeks. I knew instantly what it was and i am sure you will too. There is no way of describing the feeling, you cannot compare it to anything else! After the first nudge or two i didn't feel anything for 2-3 days and it's been very active ever since. The movement patterns will totally depend on your baby, but you are more likely to feel the movement when laying down after a snack, while you are active yourself you may not notice them.
Enjoy and congrats!"

And more to expect from babycenter.co.uk

.
.
.

From 20 to 24 weeks

As the weeks go by, your baby's activity will gradually increase. You'll notice your baby becoming more lively during the day (Hijazi and East 2009, de Vries and Fong 2006), with lots of kicking and somersaults.

From 24 to 28 weeks

You may start to notice when your baby gets hiccups. It'll feel like a jerking movement. The amniotic sac now contains up to 750ml (26floz) of fluid. This gives your baby plenty of space to move around freely. You may notice him jumping at sudden noises.

At 29 weeks

Your baby will begin to make smaller, more definite movements, as he becomes more cramped inside your uterus (womb).

At 32 weeks

You're likely to notice a peak in movements. After this week, the number of movements you notice will tail off (Hijazi and East 2009). This is quite normal, as your baby has less space to move in.

From around 36 weeks

Your baby could take up his final, usually head-down, position. This is more likely to happen at this stage if this is your first baby. The firm muscles of your uterus and tummy will help to keep him in place. The main movements you are likely to feel now are jabs from his arms and legs, and possibly painful kicks to your ribs.

If you've had a baby before, your tummy muscles are likely to be weaker. Your baby might keep changing his position right up to your due date.

From 36 to 40 weeks

Your baby will be getting larger and roll-over movements happen less often. By now, your baby may have learned to suck his thumb. If his thumb pops out of his mouth, you may feel his head darting from side to side as he tries to find it again.

During the final two weeks of your pregnancy, the movements are likely to slow down (de Vries and Fong 2006). Instead, you may notice an insistent kicking underneath your ribs on one side or the other. This slowing down is normal, but if you're worried about your baby's movements, always see your doctor or midwife.

By now, your baby should be nestled in your pelvis, ready to make his journey into the world. His head can feel like a melon pressing on your pelvic floor. If your baby isn't head-down, find out how to get him into the best position for birth.

There will be times when your baby is sleeping and other times when he's active. He may liven up in the evenings or when you're lying in bed trying to get to sleep (Hijazi and East 2009). Your baby may keep the same pattern of activity into his first few weeks of life (de Vries and Fong 2006), until he learns to tell day from night.

And again...wowweeeee....menakjubkannya...Maha Suci Allah Yg Menciptakan Sesuatu dan Menghidupkannya. Amin.

One Friday Morning

2010-10-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

Hari ni pagi Jumaat yg indah, awal pagi. dan saya bersama jus ceri dan channel 711 di samping FB dan blogger yg sungguh nyaman sekali. hujung minggu tanpa kerja, dan telefon yg sengaja di screen kan. Indah, sangat indah.

Msg di phone "Syg awak dan baby". Hmmm we love you too ayah baby. Tiap pagi, sekurang-kurangnya 2-3 sms masuk dari suami, mengucapkan selamat pagi dan kata rindu. Indahnya. Saya akui kebelakangan ni, hidup rasa agak menekan, dan sunyi. Dengan tuntutan kerja yg sangat demanding dan kesihatan yg turun naik, saya perlukan sokongan moral. Yg ada cuma kata-kata sayup dlm phone dari mak, ayah dan suami yg jauh. Terkenang saat suami meluru masuk ke dlm bilik mandi setiap kali saya muntah teruk, dan dia juga lah yg sabar menunggunya reda. Seminggu sekali rumah akan dicucinya, kerna sejak hamil, saya terlalu alah pada habuk dan kotoran, asyik bersin je. Dan sebeluum tidur, dia akan menggosok kaki saya yang mula membengkak dan lenguh-lenguh.

Kadang-kadang, saya rasa saya perlu mula berhenti mengeluh. Tapi saya bukan superwoman. Saya wanita normal. Saya susah screen emosi saya. Apa yg anda lihat, itulah saya. Marah kalau marah, dan senyum ketawa kalau gembira. Semalam saya mimpi bayi comel lagi, dan kali ni saya menyusukannya. Hmmm..

Ada hal yg menyesakkan fikiran saya di pejabat. Ada individu yg buat saya resah. Saya mahu lari dari mereka. Dan dlm minda, perlahan saya sisihkan mereka jauh. Sedar atau tidak, beberapa figure ini juga menyumbang kepada keletihan dan kegusaran hati saya.

Alhamdulillah dlm tekanan yg hebat, masih ada kawan yg sudi menjadi peneman. In a couple of hours, i'll meet my girlfriend Fifa for brunch. Bolehlah gosip dan clearkan otak.

Happy Friday silent readers!

Hmmm...

2010-10-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

Saya rasa lemah bila perlukan bantuan org lain. Saya rasa lemah bila terpaksa menghadkan kemampuan saya. Saya hargai ke hujung nafas pada nyawa yg ada dlm rahim ini tapi...kalaulah ada yg lebih memahami. Saya bukan lagi 'iron lady' atau 'superwoman' seperti sebelumnya. Saya mudah penat, saya semput tak cukup nafas walaupun hanya utk ke tandas. Saya rasa begitu tidak berdaya, seolah-olah ada satu belon getah besar yg mengelilingi saya yg menghadkan potensi saya.

Ish, kenapa saya merungut? Bukankah ini yg saya mahu? Ya Allah, tabahkan hati hambaMu ini.

gambar ihsan Google Image

dan ya, bukan, perempuan putih gebu ni bukan saya.

AT YOUR SIDE

2010-10-26T20:22:00.001-07:00

AT YOUR SIDE-THE CORRS

When the daylight's gone and you're on your own
And you need a friend just to be around
I will comfort you, I will take your hand
And I'll pull you through, I will understand

And you know that

I'll be at your side, there's no need to worry
Together we'll survive through the haste and hurry
I'll be at your side
If you feel like you're alone, and you've nowhere to turn
I'll be at your side

If life's standing still and your soul's confused
And you cannot find what road to choose
If you make mistakes (make mistakes)
You can't let me down (let me down)
I will still believe (still believe)
I will turn around

And you know that

I'll be at your side, there's no need to worry
Together we'll survive through the haste and hurry
I'll be at your side
If you feel like you're alone, and you've nowhere to turn
I'll be at your side

I'll be at your side
I'll be at your side
You know that

I'll be at your side, there's no need to worry
Together we'll survive through the haste and hurry
I'll be at your side
If you feel like you're alone, you've got somewhere to go,
'Cos I'm right there
I'll be at your side, I'll be right there for you
(Together we'll survive) through the haste and hurry
I'll be at your side
If you feel like you're alone, you've got somewhere to go,
'Cos I'm at your side

I'll be right there for you
I'll be right there for you, yeah
I'm right at your side

2010-10-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

Baring sini sayang
Nanti ku tunjukkan bintang kita
Dan kita bilang satu persatu
Biar banyak
Biar penuh

Mari sini sayang.

GROW OLD WITH ME

2010-10-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

TO MY BEST FRIEND WHOM I MARRY AND WILL DIE FOR.

Grow Old With Me-John Lennon

Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
When our time has come
We will be as one
God bless our love
God bless our love

Grow old along with me
Two branches of one tree
Face the setting sun
When the day is done
God bless our love
God bless our love

Spending our lives together
Man and wife together
World without end
World without end

Grow old along with me
Whatever fate decrees
We will see it through
For our love is true
God bless our love
God bless our love

MY TEACHING PHILOSOPHY

2010-10-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

Teaching is the profession that teaches all the other professions.
~Author Unknown

To be a great and memorable teacher, I had great teachers. What is so unique about the profession is that it is very demanding yet lavishly rewarding. Sometimes I wish I could know what are the measures that can move the students forward. And in the end, I realize it is not me, it is them. I have always wanted to be a great teacher but to make them great learners is more like my duty, and it is much tougher.

As a Corporate Administration teacher, I teach organizational matters; ranging from employees behavior to management and administration. And knowing most of the students have never ever set their foot in the corporate world, it can be a little tough. I know I have to patiently attend to their curiosity and inquiries. Having said that, I have three main objectives in my teaching career.

1. To urge the students towards becoming a knowledgeable, skillful and worthy employee and an individual as a whole;
2. To provide primary knowledge and tools applicable for the students upon entering the corporate world;
3. To augment self-awareness, self-confidence and understanding the world around them and the people in it.

I want my students to not only see the educator in me, but a source of knowledge that they can trust and rely on.

Learning on management and administration involves, among others, communicating with other people, decision-making and leadership. Thus it is essential for the students to mix their learning methods; from reading textbooks to public speaking, brainstorming and extensive discussion. To be a valuable player in the corporate world and in an industry full with challenges and obstacles, the students have to definitely do more than just memorizing lecture notes and doing designated assignments. This is why I highly encourage students’ participation in brainstorming sessions and group presentations.

I challenge my students to broaden their minds by enhancing their awareness of culture, diversity, and individual differences. By asking students how applicable a concept is across different cultures, I challenge them to think critically by always proposing the question “why?” Why decisions are made and why people behave the way they do? By initiating this, I can see their response to start analyzing why things happen around them. This is when they start to ask even more and deeper, and through answering all these puzzlements, I realize they are making progress in their critical thinking skills.

I strive to be student-focused, competent, flexible, and aware of uniqueness amongst my students. I want to know my students as people, how they are doing, their names and their interest. I’m honoured when they come to class prepared and it is definitely overwhelming to know that they are comfortable with they way I conduct class when we establish after-class academic relationship. I want to understand my students yet at the same time be firm with academic substance so that they can learn the value of being a good element of the industry, whatever industry that they choose to be in.

Being a new member of the profession, I know each day is a learning process. When we teach, we learn over twice. With that, it requires a lot of effort to keep learning and at the same time, giving the knowledge back to my students. It is about being by their side, to answer the curiosity and bewilderment that preoccupies them.

A worthy scholar, Mark Van Doren once said; the art of teaching is the art of assisting discovery.

AZLYN ZAWAWI
15.09.2008

FOR YOU.

2010-10-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, opinions are best reserved. Shooting unnecessary remarks are hurtful and not helping anyone. Plus, the way some comments are delivered really mirror the moronic-ness (not to mention insensitiveness) of some people. Glancing back those words that have hurt me, and put holes in my heart, I am thankful that in some situations, I chose to stay silent and grounded.Passing judgement too easily and saying things i later regret isn't exactly how mom taught me to become.

Some people are not born to be listeners. The moment an issue is brought up, he/she immediately make conclusions (mentally or verbally) about how the ending should be. With negativities that surround the conversation, the comfort I seek isn't exactly achieved. I hope these insensitive humans could behave better and become more sensitive people. They are not here, in my shoes, thus they have no right whatsoever to say things they just did.

Just because things are not according to your plan,doesn't mean life isn't worthy at all. For all I know, DEATH IS IN THE HANDS OF GOD, BUT BEING ALIVE....THE CHOICE IS IN MY HANDS.

p/s: stop giving me advises, its not fun at all.

Whats on my mind?

2010-10-18T00:48:00.001-07:00

In the midst of settling tonnes of work today, my mind is constantly hanging by my mom who is now checking into the hospital, preparing for her surgery tomorrow. They keep telling me not to worry;hubby, mak, ayah and sis. But at this moment, i have no exact words to describe my state of anxiety. I don't want to weep and cry anymore over this little test Allah sent us. Its okay, if this is for the better, I pray night and day that mak will stay healthier and happier.

Ya Allah Tuhanku Yang Maha Sempurna, lindungi lah ibu ayahku, kurangkanlah kesakitan mereka, beban mereka, Kau kurangkanlah dosa mereka. Kami sembah hanya kepadaMu dan hanya Kau lah sumber segala kesempurnaan.

Amin.

Kemaskini.

2010-10-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

Saya dah beberapa hari kurang sihat. Selsema, batuk, dan keletihan. Mungkin ini salah satu dugaan bergelar bakal ibu. Penatnya tak terduga. Mahu saja saya tidur sepanjang hari. Tuntutan tugas di kampus tidak kurang, malahan bertambah. Saya cuba untuk terus gigih mengenangkan janji pada bangsa. Saya letih.

Semoga saya terus diberi kekuatan oleh Yang Maha Esa untuk bernafas dan menanggung zuriat yang terkandung dalam rahim ini. Saya mohon pada Yang Esa agar terus dilindungi zuriat ini dan dilindungi jua harapan kami suami isteri. Syukur saya diberikan suami yang memahami dan begitu romantis, setia memegang tangan saya dikala kaki berat melangkah, menggosok di belakang leher saat perut menggelodak mengeluarkan isi-isi yang mungkin menjijikkan pada org lain. Sabar melayan kerenah isteri yang begitu menduga. Besarnya rahmat saya dikurnia suami semulia ini.

Disebalik seribu kepenatan, saya akur sujud mengucapkan Alhamdulillah.

I just need a break.

2010-10-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

It's not easy being a first time mak-to-be. With people telling you horrifying baby stories of this and that, plus those who feel they know everything and need to nail an opinion on everything, and those who feel that my pain isn't worth a chat when her story worth more time to be heard. Its so sickening when the world is surrounded by these kind of people. I'm thinking of dropping everything and run away from people, where I don't have to pretend I like them, or any of this matter. Just me and my soon-to-be-born child. Not to mention some eyes who as if try to challenge my ability to become a more worthy-pregnant-woman-who-has-a-job-to-fill. The kinds that keep pouring responsibilities to me as if i can run any faster and jump any higher with my big belly and fluctuating moods. I try not to mention so much that I'm pregnant and that I need a break, but hey-some people need to learn their lessons. I need a break, seriously. From people.

New Trimester!

2010-09-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've been having cramps since yesterday evening, and according to the book and mak's words of wisdom, there's nothing to worry about. Cramps are just signs that the uterus is expanding. For about a month (could be more) i've been having trouble sleeping due to much frequent urination and legs+abdominal cramping. It was not easy but its worth the pain. Last visit to the clinic showed that my baby already has two little hands and feets. And it was moving up and down like it was tickled. Breathtaking.

So, updates? Today, i successfully step to my 13th week which marks the first day of my second trimester. Nothing new, just i'm still happily pregnant :-) Its a good feeling. And despite the tense and piles of tasks I need to complete in campus, I managed. My papers/research are (surprisingly) moving, and some are about to submitted very very soon. My new post as head unit challenge me a lot, and i do mean...a lottt.... But i have a great assistant down there and she always try to make things easier for me. My day-to-day aim is just to get the day done and my list ticked off. I believe that if i target higher than accomplishing a successful day, I'll probably end up not knowing where to start.

So baby, keep on growing the way you should be, and I'll cuddle you real tight when I see you in 5 months time. I can't wait to feel your first kick, then your first cry, then your first poop, your first crawl, first word, first step, then your first baby brother/sister, then you first school, your first boy/girlfriend, your first breakup, your wedding...then your...child...then.....

:-)

Merepek kerepek.

2010-09-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

I miss my simple, uncomplex, routine life. I miss waking up late, staying up late... I miss purposeless driving in the evening, and meeting strangers for chats. I miss my youth. But to trade all that for what I'm having now, I'd rather suffocate.

To the sleepless nights of toilet-visitings, hormonal mornings and moody evenings...i embrace you. All hail pregnancy hormones!

p/s : penat ah jadik drama queen.

First day at work after 3 long weeks from hectic-land.

2010-09-20T04:23:00.000-07:00

Today my big boss said to me, "i know one day you'll be a young Professor, a good one, and when you are there, remember to help people and never look down on others".

I felt as if that is the most honest remark she has ever given to me, and i am proud. People has been giving opinions about her, people who don't know her, who said bad things about her, and everytime, i always feel the urge to say otherwise. Not to say that I know her that much, or to say that she is in favor of me. There are days where i got scolded like a little child and days when i've been ignored and torn to pieces, and my work being rejected. But today, hearing her said that, i see lines of hopes in front of me, despite my crazy schedule and bundles of unattended tasks.

Feeling pregnant and happy, i left her office with one million future plans in my messy head.

:-)

It's a crazy good day.

Fahamilah.

2010-09-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

Saya akui dahulu sebelum saya mengandung, sebelum saya berniat dan terlintas utk jadi ibu, saya selalu skeptikal terhadap wanita mengandung dan beranak kecil. Kenapa mereka tidak terurus? Kenapa mereka selalu mengelak tanggungjawab di tempat kerja? Kenapa bila tugas dibahagikan, ada sahaja alasan dengan anak dan 'pregnancy hormones' menjadi security shield bagi mereka? Apabila dikelilingi wanita sebegini, saya menanam azam utk tidak menjadi seperti mereka, saya cuba utk memikul tugas walau berat, walau tekanan emosi dan hormon akibat janin yg semakin membesar ini sering menuntut perhatian.

Ternyata saya silap.

Dan seharusnya saya menukar persepsi pada semua wanita yg telah disalah anggap oleh saya dulu. Walau masih saya memandang serong org yg suka beralasan, namun kini saya terlalu memahami penangan hormon HCG, estrogen dan progesteron yg meningkat dlm darah. Saya rasa sukar menghadapi hari-hari apabila ada pihak yg tidak faham keadaan saya. Dengan emosi yg tidak stabil dan kesihatan yg tidak menentu, tuntutan di tempat kerja terpaksa saya belakangkan. Kadangkala emosi pasangan juga terpaksa saya lukakan. Dalam hati saya berkata perlahan " Kalaulah mereka lebih memahami".

Kalaulah mereka lebih memahami yg terkadang saya rasa sangat penat, walaupun saya tidak melakukan apa-apa.

Kalaulah mereka lebih memahami kadang-kadang saya panas, kadang pula saya sejuk, dan pelbagai lagi kerenah saya yg tidak dimasuk akal.

Kalaulah mereka memahami yg saya benci kebusukan, kebisingan dan kekotoran.

Kalaulah mereka memahami, walau mereka melahirkan banyak zuriat sebelum saya, saya tidak mahu mereka berkata "keadaan saya dulu lagi teruk dari awak" atau "keadaan awak tidak seberapa sebanding saya"

Kalaulah mereka memahami yg saya juga mahu sedikit ruang utk dimanjai dan dilayani seperti bakal ibu.

Kalaulah mereka memahami.....

A day before Eid.

2010-09-09T02:40:00.000-07:00

Semua dah masak. Rendang ayam kampung, kuah kacang daging, gulai tempoyak ikan patin, rendang kerang dan sayur kacang, ermmmm....sedaapppp... Kuih raya sampai tak cukup tempat. Lampu lap lip dah on, baju raya dah gantung. Best.............

Yg tak best nya i kena home rest.Baru je kuar wad ni, ada tak sihat sikit but no worries, baby dlm perut sihat, setakat ini..Alhamdulillah, jantungnya masih pantas berdegup kencang...ini lah dugaan nak jadi mak. Semoga selamat anak ini lahir sihat sempurna dan dewasanya ia menjadi hamba Allah dan insan yang berguna. My strong unborn child!

So, being a pregnant lady awaiting for raya...super fun, sebab tiba-tiba aku takyah buat kerja yeay! Walaupun hati ni nak gak bergerak-gerak, pi sana sini, tapi tak boleh...
mak marah :-( hubby pun marah :-( so misi aku jelas, menggemukkan badan dan merehatkan otak sebelum bermula semuanya sekali lagi...

mlm ni nak kecek kecek buah hati kalau dia bagi ikut mak pi Jusco, mak nak buat last minute shopping...minta minta dia izinkan..fuhhhh..Amin!

Salam Aidilfitri to all. Maaf Zahir Batin.

Remember.

2010-09-01T01:42:00.000-07:00

And I'll always remember.

30.10.2008 -- my first pregnancy loss at 4 weeks
19.3.2010 -- my second pregnancy loss at 4 weeks

and...

26.8.2010 -- first detection of the heartbeat to my third pregnancy--alive and beating approx. 8 weeks.
1.9.2010 -- first sound of heartbeat--approx. 9 weeks and still beating fast....

Alhamdulillah. in the midst of counting my blessings at this moment, i pray for my fetus(s) that didn't make it to this world. For each fetus that has ever been in my womb, there has not been a second that i didn't think of how much they mean to me, and how i appreciate them for choosing me as a carrier, even for a short while.

I pray to Allah, may this time the baby be as healthy as I am, as chubby as I am and as beautiful as a baby should be. May the world be his/her playing field, may he/she experience the beauty of life and its offerings, may he/ she be a bless to everyone around him/her. May life be interesting to my unborn child, may he/she be a devoted Muslim to You Ya Allah, The Most Merciful, The Most Beautiful.

Amin.

Work, work..

2010-09-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

My whistleblowing paper has reached its tenth page..slowly moving to its eleventh. Thats an achievement (i suppose) considering my sluggishness these days. I am lucky to have an understanding partner like Fifa, kudos to Ibu Kimora! At least she can cover those parts that I lack, playing each others' sparring partner role.

I have a few projects on the go, I wish i could at least finish a few before 2010 finishes. And Allah knows how ambitious I am on starting new projects, I try so hard holding myself from starting any at the moment, understanding my capacity to concentrate and finish those on time. I can feel myself not being my old-competent-self this couple of months...and its not something I'm comfortable with. I really hope putting a 'pause button' on my academic activities will not affect my performance. and hopefully its worth the 'pause'. I mean, I'm making 'a person' at the moment, i think i'm entitled to slack off a little, aren't i?

Lets hope for the best. Cheers.

Sweet, sweet September.

2010-09-01T00:22:00.000-07:00

Today i woke up super tired, i mean superrrr... i had to drag my feet, my mouth seems too dry for speeches, my tummy too bloated and too much to start listing all other symptoms. BUT the moment i walked into the doctor's office and lay my back and the ultrasound machine starts to scan, there it is...the most beautiful sound in the world-THE SOUND OF MY CHILD'S HEARTBEAT. Dup...dup...dup...twice, could be thrice faster than mine. And the soundwave looks so perfect with red and blue coded color signifying its bloodflow. I was trying so hard to hold my tears. I was like, Ya Allah, thank you! After all these years and all the prayers and hopes, finally i got to hear that beating sound, that sound that symbolizes my journey to motherhood, and my baby's journey to this world. I hope and continue hoping that its heartbeat will continue to sound so flourishly and so beautifully. I love my life. Alhamdulillah.

Updates.

2010-08-28T05:58:00.000-07:00

Location : Home
Update : Just got back from Hard Rock Hotel, Penang attending Album Launch & Press Conference of Janice & the Supertank
Mood : Mind-blown (and full tummy) and in love definitely...

Photos on FB. Night.

Yeay!

2010-08-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

Got in touch with my bro Azmir a few moments ago and he said accommodation in Hard Rock Penang this Friday is confirmed! Yeay! Azmir is coming up with his band to perform at HRP and he invited me along. Yesterday he told me that rooms were fully booked by the press but he sms'ed just now informing that there's room available for me and hubby. Suka sangat. Siap ajak kami buka puasa dengan press lagi. Azmir sangat sweet.. I love to see him on stage tapi kalau kena balik after show, memang aku tak larat, dengan perut aku dan mood swing ni kan. Tapi bila dah di sponsor room, terus pick up phone minta confirmation hubby and he said yes! Suka, suka dan suka.

Band Azmir.
Yg terkejut mcm nak terbang tu Azmir.

Yeay! Kita jadi rockstar weekend ni sayang!

Cupcakes...

2010-08-24T18:51:00.000-07:00

Hubby's 29th birthday will be coming next week, so I plan to cook for him and order some cupcakes. But here in SP, susahnya nak dpt. Ada kawan yg dok buat, out of passion, and dlm bulan posa ni masing-masing takda mood lah... We are done with Secret Recipe's cakes, asyik asyik cake tu je, dah boring...apa I nak buat ni. Hubby dah request nak mkn his fav- black pepper beef. Maybe i'll cook some of that, since thats my specialty pun. Benda lain aku tak reti sgt, nasib dia suka makan tu. Masak sup sayur kegemaran dia, dgn tempoyak cili api, ulam-ulam sikit, mesti best buka puasa.

Selalunya di dapur, dia yg masak, dia tak bagi aku masak sangat, kecuali ada benda yg memang dia nak aku yg bikin mcm sup daging, sup ayam, sup sayur tu aku kena buat, sebab dia kata dia tak reti sangat. He loves to pamper me like that, don't do this, don't do that. Dia kata "sayang duduk je, abang boleh buat semua". Masak ke, mop lantai ke, vacuum ke, cuci toilet ke, semua dia buat. Mengada tak aku? Hehehe...Pregnant or not, aku suka sgt selalu kena layan macam princess hehehe... He has done so much for me and has been my backbone all this while, its my turn to make his tummy happy!

P/s: I still want cupcakes that say "I love you ten".

Updates from Heaven.

2010-08-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

Before I start;

I wish all human kind are healthy, wealthy and happy.
I wish all my family and friends are blessed by Allah Almighty.
I wish my love for hubby grows even deeper each day.
I wish my unborn baby(s) hears/feels the love in my heartbeat every time it pumps blood to him/her.
I wish my mak and ayah will be healthier and happy in love, always.
I wish my brother and sister will excel in their undertakings and always with me in uplifting the name of the nation and become it's pride and passion.
I wish for the best and may them all wish the best for me.
Amin.

It's the 10/11/12th day of puasa. I lost count already since i failed to commit as much to this year's Ramadhan. Everytime I hold myself up to complete the day's fasting obligations, I'll end up feeling freaky tired and unable to even drag my feet. Last few days, I almost collapse in my kitchen while preparing my meal for berbuka. So, after some deliberate discussion with mak and some 'dengar-dengar' cakap kawan-kawan dan ustazah, I've decided not to push myself. Since the baby is sucking my energy big time, I would want to provide nutrition to the baby, thats the least I can do; playing mummy.

My academic jobs are still stagnant, my papers are untouched, i plan to finish my whistleblowing paper by hook or by crook this week, refusing to put it on hold anymore. Its amazing how this little person inside me does change my work pattern and my personality all together. I'm no more that much of a cranky person (at least i felt that way) and I've learn to take things easy(er). As much as i 'hate' going to work (literally), but the moment i reached lecture hall and deliver my lecture, I almost forgot the struggle of waking up from bed that morning.

One of the most love-able part of being pregnant that I noticed in me is the bonding I'm having with my hubby. I have never felt so in love the way I am right now, not that I was lacking love before, God knows how incredibly (annoying) our lovey-dovey affection can be, but i felt more 'attached' to him so much now that it makes every second of the day so miserable, of me wanting badly to come home to him. We would spend hours tailgating each other around the house and making funny comments about each other, and him trying to make me feel at ease (with my back pain and all). I am so grateful for the love we have, after 9 years of friendship plus 3 years of marriage. May Allah bless my marriage.

Updates from the doctor's office.Last u/s still didn't show my baby on screen. But i still feel very much pregnant with my tummy getting slightly bigger (it has been big always punnn) and more 'keras'. Morning sicknesses are sometimes back, knocking my patience down. Breasts still sore, nose still sensitive and UPT still positive (Alhamdulillah). All these make me believe more, that perhaps this time, my pregnancy is really stronger than the previous ones although it isn't visible on screen just yet. I've read that some tummy shows on screen at week 11th/12th due to magical reasons, so I just conclude that my tummy is just as magical. I want to stop worrying and enjoy being a person-maker. I still want to be productive in my work, and I refuse to give "pregnant excuses" to avoid responsibilites! No, no, not me. As much as I know that people would understand my condition, hiding behind my big belly isn't how my momma raised me! Kerja is kerja, and give the best in it. Hmmm...I just have to re-strategise my work ethics/pattern to suit my condition, aight?

That's all. Much love.

Ramadhan and forward.

2010-08-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

Indah sungguh dendangan bacaan Al-Quran 30 juzuk ni. Rasa nak mengalir airmata. Hari ini dah 6 Ramadhan, dan dlm 6 Ramadhan aku dah terkantoi 2-3 hari. Tewas dgn hormon dan morning/evening sickness. Pagi tadi dapat tahu, mak pulak dah dapat my sickness. No, mak isn't carrying, she's just sharing my symptom. Itulah ibu, sampai saat anaknya mengandung, dia masih rasa sakitnya ye. Sayang mak. Moga Ramadhan mak juga dipermudahkan.

Setakat ni, ikut kiraan aku, aku dah 7 weeks. Rasa gementar pun ada. 2 minggu lepas pergi scan, masih tak nampak baby. Esok aku follow up di klinik desa utk amik glukos test dan check perut. Tak puasa lagi jawabnya.

Kadang-kadang tertanya dlm hati, mengandung benarkah aku ni? Kadang-kadang simptomnya jelas, terkadang seharian aku tiada bersimptom. Fyi, lebih 10 UPT (urine pregnancy tests) aku buat, semua positif terang-terangan, tanpa samar. Cuma pengalaman keguguran 2 kali sebelum ni buat aku seringkali rasa berdebar. Semoga Kau izinkan aku menjadi Ibu pada anakku ya Allah ya Tuhanku. Amin.

Dugaan selama dapat tahu aku pregnant tiadalah begitu hebat, Alhamdulillah. Cuma muntah-muntah manja gitew...mengada-ngada dgn hubby dan mak ayah. Suamiku raja hatiku. Walaupun merajuk, kanda tetap hensem. Memang terbaik. Sayang you.

Ingat lagi Dr June cakap - mind over matter, think positive. Aku cuba sangat utk fikirkan yg terbaik utk kandungan, aku nak yg terbaik utk anak ku Insyaallah, tapi selalu sangat fikiran jahat datang menyoal itu ini. Nauzubillah.

Aku berdoa agar dosa ku diampunkan, agar ke'liat'an aku beribadah dan berzikir dibuang terus. Aku mahu selalu dekat dengan Tuhanku, tapi kadang-kadang aku tersasar :-) Mcm miss solat subuh, lepas sahur terlajak..dugaan betol.

Kat ofis, lebih senang kalau org tahu yg aku expecting. Lebih mudah rasanya. Malas nak menyorok-nyorok. So kalau ada yg tanya kenapa aku pucat, jwpn ku mudah "saya pregnant" walaupun dlm hati ni rasa cuak merisaukan apa yg bakal jadi. Wallahualam.

Walau sukar aku fokus di meja kerja akademik aku ini, aku paksa diri utk tak keluar ofis atau balik awal, walaupun sepanjang hari yg aku buat adalah kerja kosong. Serius, aku tak boleh fokus. Fifa cakap memang simptom. Fifa la banyak bagi nasihat itu ini pd aku. Memang membantu. Thanks partner.

So, sekarang apa dlm otak aku, nak tau? KFC. Urgh teringin dari pagi. Geram geram. wahai KFC tunggukan kedatanganku ke geraimu itew..

Ciao.

Now, this one's funny!

2010-08-08T04:39:00.001-07:00

Hubby : Yang, sapa nama pelakon ni?
Wifey : Matt Damon
Hubby : Yea, Matt Damon, penyanyi Michael Learns To Rock......... *silent mumble*

*suasana : diammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*

Wifey: Kah kah kah kah..............................................

p/s : kisah benar.

RANDOM RUMBLE

2010-08-05T05:47:00.000-07:00

I don't think life should be that hard, shouldn't it? I mean, it’s all about getting through the days and nights and again, all around, aight? I don't mean the life after, that’s a whole different story. I’m merely suggesting that life, as we live and breathe, should not be so hard.

I’ve learn so much these few years, about life, about myself. It’s so amazing how small things can leave you so affected emotionally and physically. It’s so shocking how one's opinion towards you can force you to be someone you are/ you are not. It’s so powerful that the mind CAN really control outcomes and consequences.

My doctor told me today, DO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE MIND.

Family and close friends know how terrified I am of failures, of plannings going crazy and endings being dreadfully horrible. I am a successful paranoia. I think of the worst and plan my life so far ahead that sometimes, even I freak out looking at my future plans. I want to stop being a worry-queen and enjoy the moment as it is. After all, life isn’t that hard, isn’t it? Life is so beautiful; I must start enjoying the moment.

Life is amazing. My life is amazing. I am amazing.